He is afraid of losing me but I am afraid of being kept. 

Shutting down and shutting the world out is a conditioned response that I have inadvertently mastered over the years. My #1 defense mechanism.

When you're not privileged to much as a child, you grow up to fill voids. Whether it's through material things or people. 


At least, that's what most do. 

See me, I'm different. For some odd reason, I don't want my voids filled. I do everything in my power to keep them totally barren and desolate. As empty as a broke man's wallet. 

No one has been able to fill my voids. I have never been able to love wholeheartedly. Can you image a dehydrated man climbing down the shaft of a well and as soon as he reaches the bottom, someone pulls his rope back up? That's what happens in all of my relationships... or attempts there of..

A man will get as close to the water as he can and as soon as he is about to fill his cup, I pull him right back up. Not only do I pull him up but I take his cup and deprive him of my water. 

I can't write anymore tonight. This is literally me just scratching the surface of my inability to love a mister.  

I don't have the strength or energy to talk about this anymore. 

I hope non of you can relate. 

I do not wish this on any.