Lord Knows, I am NOT READY for a MAN
I began doing these midday reflections as of late for a number of reasons: On a bad day - they are my sanity ..and on a good day, they are my place of secret celebrations.
Normally, I do them in my journal but since I'm off today, I thought I'd do a little think-a-loud. And by the way, I felt like writing in pink.. thats just how jazzed I am feeling today! Bare with a me.. (or not!)
Anyways.. for the past 6 years, I've been living in Baltimore.. in my same studio apartment.. doing my one-two thing.. teaching and such.
... and for the past 5 days, I've been in this same little studio apartment, snow bound, alone, and absolutely loving it!
I remember a few years ago, I used to hate being in Baltimore. I'd grow lugubrious as soon as the MegaBus would pull up at White Marsh. I mean I literally would call a friend and sing the bleakest blues about how much I wish I could've stayed in NYC. I would spend endless insomniac nights, crying, complaining, and wallowing in my own dumb despair.
As I reflect on those feelings now, I realize that I was only depressed out here in Baltimore because I was depending on everyone around me to make me happy.. Seriously.. because of the fact that there was no one here with me, I was sad and lonely. I let myself drown in the depths of my desolated space.
Funny because my mom is bipolar and my fear has always been that I would become bipolar too.. but my crazy tail was the one who was self-afflicting my own mind, body, and soul with depression. Nothing was hereditary about my anguish.. I was seriously doing it to myself!
How do I know? Because look at me! Here I am, in the same exact place that everyone left me in, yet I am the exact opposite of how I used to be.. Not the opposite of WHO I used to be but HOW I used to be!
Let me break this down even further: I am still in the same apartment, still teaching, still driving the same car, still shopping at the thrift store, still the same petite and loud Val but there is one major difference: I am happy.
I feel so comfortable in my home. I didn't even want any company or to go outside this weekend. Five days.. I literally just spent an entire 5 DAYS by my self!
I stared at the full moon, I listened to my favorite music, did lots of reading, writing, and thinking. Ate my favorite foods and caught up on lots of sleep. But best of all, I didn't have anyone around that I needed to make sure was ok.. It was just me ..selfishly satisfied.. old introverted V!
It took almost 27 years for me realize that everything I need in order to be happy is already within me. I had to let go of my pain and past hurt. I had to stop trying to fit in. I had to stop trying to please the people around me. I mean, I simply had to be myself and take it a step further by falling in love with myself.
Now here's a tangent.. if you are an avid Garden reader, you know I am infamous for my tangents..
But I just got to thinking about how people always say, Once you love yourself, God will send you the person that was made to love you... and I remember writing in my journal around this time last year about how I wanted to get back with my ex because we had become friends again.. but deep in my little heart, I knew it would not work because I wasn't intrinsically happy.. That was the same exact reason we called it quits in the first place: because I wasn't happy. So I wrote about it and prayed about it.. asking God to help me find my joy so that I could then enjoy life- with someone else.
So here I am .. a year later .. and honestly, I'm at the point where I am enjoying my freedom and stressless days so much ... maybe even too much! because right now, I am soooo not ready for the gracious Creator up there to send me anyone. I am not saying I want to be single forever .. What I am saying is: I am content! Just as content as content can be!
Guess I am still living for love and liberty .. I mean, I don't see anything wrong with my super-independence. I think at this point I am mastering the virtue of patience.. and waiting for the one who will see deeper than any other man has ever seen within me.. the one who takes his time with me so that he can truly understand me.. and the one who will add to the woman that I already am and continuing to become.. Not necessarily to complete me or make me happy.. Because finally, I mean finally! I've got happiness down-packed!
Ok.. let me get up! I have a lunch date with my best girlahs!
Unready but not unhappy,