Live. Love. Let Go.

April 19th.. 
NP: Sza-Z - Warm Winds

Gandhi was quoted for saying: The root of suffering is attachment ...and somehow, I'm crying as I write this.. maybe it's because I know this is my last post in Thailand.. Or maybe because I really think this might be the last song for trips with me and my best friends.... why? Well maybe my head's too far in the clouds but I just see us getting married and moving into the motherhood stage of our lives. Our twenties are winding down.. and realistically, it's about that time. 

Maybe I'm crying because of how much I've grown during this trip. I really got to know all of me on this trip... Got to know all-of-me... My good and my bad.. My fears.. My anxieties ... How to get rid of them.. and how to embrace some of them. 

For example, when I rolled around with those tigers, I learned that I really am fearless. I had no doubt in my mind what so ever that I wouldn't be fine in that cage. I didn't hesitate, not even once. Neither did Shelly. Neither did Nikki... Sounds crazy.. Maybe a little too over analytical but we're the most radical out of the group... I'm blessed to have them in my circle. Fearless enough to do whatever but conscious enough to know better... 

When I jumped into the river with the rope in the jungle and off of the boat in Phi Phi Island, I saw another side of myself .. My propensity to be an over-zealous risk taker.... I panicked when I jumped off of that rope and could've drowned... Thank God I saved myself by simply swimming, like I knew how to... But I shouldn't have jumped off knowing I wasn't the strongest swimmer. Our guides were ready to save me though...and Shelly, one of my best friends, threw me a life jacket when I needed it.. So I guess that's why I take really big risks sometimes ... Because I know even with my head under water, I'll be able to breathe just fine.. Or someone else will be there to pick me up.. I'm alone when I need to be alone, and in the company of safety, warmth, and love when I need to be...

I learned a lesson from the dogs that were everywhere in Thailand. I saw a few cats but the stray dog count was extremely high. I don't know though, it just seems like they were always there to protect me... Like Tay is now.. There were dogs on the beach when I was asleep.. Dogs that walked us back to our bungalows at night in the jungle.. Dogs that trailed us at 4:00 in the morning, walking in the dark to 7-11. I mean I guess it doesn't always have to be dogs but my point is: no matter where I am, God sends me a little something or someone to protect me. I'm never alone.. Whether it's a sign, a stray pup, or a comrade, there's always someone around looking out for me. 

For years, my strongest angel has been my Godmother.. But now, I have to be strong for her.. She has cancer... And as happy as I seem, sometimes I grieve about it. She gave her all to me.. From beginning to end.. And to everyone else she has been gracing with her presence over the years.. Yet, now, she is living in pain. So what can I do.. ? Well, exactly what she taught me: Be strong in my faith, continue pouring love into those who need it, not just those I love, and to never stop fighting. I know that no matter what, in the end, I will always, always be protected. 

In the jungle, I almost crashed into a horse! A damn horse! The zip line we rode was super low and the horses were right underneath it ...From this, I learned that I care about other people's feelings more than my own.. I almost burnt my hands trying to stop myself from kicking that horse! I cared about his well-being more than my own.. That trait alone plays the dual role of both a good thing and a bad thing in my life.. I was so afraid of hurting the horse that I forgot that one should never put their hands on the wire of the rope to hold on the zip line. I tried to stop it with my own hands. That's totally impossible... It's the same thing with people. Sometimes I care so much about what they think that I try to change their mind.. And I go hard until I either succeed or annoy the hell out of them. Its such a waste of energy! It's impossible to control people! The horse eventually moved on her own though..  And that's what I have to remember about people, they change, move, and act on their own.. I cannot influence others by trying to force things on them.. I have to give them space and time.. And have faith that all will work out for the both of us. 

Every morning that I spent here, I woke up around 6 to take a walk and watch the sun rise. During my walk, I would pass about 3 flower gardens. Every single flower was breathtaking. My goal was to find exotic flowers when I was there and I definitely did. I'm going to take time in the coming weeks to meditate on each of them. They already sing soft ballads of peace.. I would touch their soft, bright-colored petals and pray as the sun rose. A lot of the flowers would bloom over night. Some of which I still don't know the names of. But I didn't need to know their names to learn the lesson that they taught as they would bloom and wither each day.. They taught me how fast things can change. I am grateful for that reminder of a lesson.. 

I got rid of all of my burdens and anxieties while riding under the sun on the top of boats. I would close my eyes and think thoughts of my future. Never dwelling on the woes of right now.. And that's how I learned to let go. By fixing my mind on the new, the possibilities, and the absolutelies (I made that word up).. So I guess that makes me a dreamer... I dream of the future.. and most times my dreams come true. Not because I have special powers but because when I put my heart into something, I stick with it. Even if I lose, I'm still going to eventually win. I not only dream of the day when I get where the Creator has put me on Earth to be ..I work hard enough to make these dream a reality. All I have to do is let go of my anxieties, my past, and my tears. No hoarding emotions. Just address them, let them out, and move forward. 

The world is calling me ..I'm ready to see it all. 4 continents down, 3 to go..
Loving, living, and letting go,