I Will Always Be Loved. Always.

Wednesday, July 16, 2014
1:17 AM
Listening to Lloyd - Year of the Lover 

Damn. I used to love Lloyd in college. I'm sitting in Nikki's dining room.. Under this blanket.. Writing in my journal and just smiling at the fact that my sister owns this house. Today, Shelly put some awards that Hampton and Morgan recently won for being top colleges into the chat. Real proud of her school. And I totally understand it. You see, for me and my closest friends, undergrad is where we really grew up. So we rep' our yard's like they are our true homes. College raised us from girls to women. I mean, yea.. We're all from NY, VA, and even from MD but we really didn't know who we were until we left home. It's when you leave home.. Leave your comfort zone .. Spread your wings and just fly .. Even if you don't know how to stay in the air, you just try ... That's when you grow. That is exactly why we love our HBCU college experiences. 

Those experiences are exactly what led to my current state of life - mentally, spiritually, financially, and physically. Like, I'm literally, physically sitting here in Nikki's house, with my friends that she doesn't even know, while she's in Vegas. It's crazy when you really think about it. This is true sisterhood. Thanks to college, this woman has been my sister since she borrowed and tore up my favorite cherrywood-leather H&M jacket. Meekz knows the exact one I'm talking about! And I didn't even get mad at her for ruining that jacket! I just made it work. I loved that cheap jacket so much that I SEWED... (Like, I actually took the time to sew!) pieces of metallic duck-tape and my collection of vintage buttons on to it so that I could continue to wear it for years! 

{Sidebar: Plies and Trey's version of 'Shawty' just came on Pandora. This was me and Ce's favorite.. Homecoming 07! Riding in Trav's Cadillac.. We would dance real slow and throw our hands in the air.. Closing our eyes and just singing.. Man, this was our favorite.}

I'm blessed. Even though I don't have the strongest relationship with my family, I have some of the best friends in the world. (If you are reading this, you know who you are..) They are my family. 

It took me years to realize what my brother, Al, meant when he said that the word "family" is relative. I mean seriously, that word is overrated. People don't have to share the same blood line as you to be considered family. The essence of what makes a family a family is essentially all about being supported by peopld that show you the most love.. Real, unconditional love. I mean, they truly love you, just for being you.. And for the joy that you bring to their lives. 

I enjoyed this road trip. It was my version of a family road trip. It feels so good to know that I finally have a family in Baltimore. 

Being around Gena is like having a big sister. I love listening to her.. I love learning from her leadership style and I love when she gives me that proud look that a big sister gives a little sister. 

Earlier today, I met this fella on Elucid in the 5 Points area of Atlanta.. I brought him over to meet G and his whole demeanor tensed. He was super nervous.

"You know bringing a man to meet me is like meeting your mother!" Gena exclaimed.. and I totally agreed!

Being around Siobhan is like being around my older sister too.. Although she reminds me of my little sister Kandy... So creative and wise ...but still so young and doe-eyed at heart. 

Geoff is my big brother that I want to be just like when I grow up .. And Pat is the coolest.. I aspire to be as impactful as she is to the Baltimore art scene one day.

I may be getting a little personal here. Listing my personal relationships and such .. But my point is that love can come from anyone. It doesn't have to start with your family and it never has to end with your current or oldest friends. You're never too old to make new friends. As you grow, allow your circle to expand by adding more and more awesome people. 

I really only just learned this notion from my experiences on this trip and even this year, when I began adding new people, like Tieka, into my circle. I've gained some strong friendships. Such a blessing. 

If I could go back to ten years ago, I would tell my younger-self, "Open up, don't be afraid to get hurt.. Don't judge new people based on the mistakes that were made by people who have disappointed you in the past.. Explore the possibilities with people who are differenent than you. Appreciate diversity."

But hey, you live and you learn. Not to be so abrupt as I change subjects but right now, I'm praying for a "special" friend.. If you know what I mean.... But I'm not rushing that either because as of now, I'm learning how to love me enough for two people. Learning how to love me for exactly who I am, no matter what I look like or what I have done in the past. Just accepting me, for me.

And I'm giving myself the space to learn patience.. And I'm not talking about the patience to wait for someone .. I'm talking about the patience that it takes to just take your time and learn who you are .. The patience to fuck up (excuse my French) and not beat yourself up about it but instead, finding ways to uplift yourself and really try your best, all over again. 

I love who I am today. And whenever I start to feel unloved, like many people do at times for one reason or another, I take a moment of solitude to just write a love note to myself and say: 

I want love
But I love me first 
I am loved by many
I am loved always
I am not afraid to be loved
I am ready to give love 

I have to do this.. I mean I'd rather keep an up beat spirit about being single than to be pessimistic, bitter, lonely, and worse of all, desperate for someone else to fill my voids. 

Anyways ... It's 3AM now.. I just love summer.. I can stay up all night just writing and writing .. Until I fall asleep.