Silent Lovers


I always ruin the mood.
Sitting on this train ride, I'm reflecting on our conversation today and I feel bad. Sometimes I say things or ask questions that come out the wrong way but they aren't meant to hurt you. They are simply inquiries. I can't say sorry enough for making you feel as if something is wrong with you. Me asking you that question easily sounded like it was centered around you, but it wasn't. To be honest, you are flawed, but you know what - those same qualities are what I love about you and I accept them. I don't want to be in relationship with a woman who always agrees and doesn't challenge me. Embracing that you are somewhat difficult at times and emotional is okay with me. I understand all of that and I soak all of you in because there is beauty in all of you. If you haven't noticed, I grow and feed off of you. When you're sad, I'm sad, when you're happy, I'm happy. We're so connected and alike when you pay close attention. Fighting with you is something I didn't want to do today. Loving you and giving you a peace of mind before you left should have been my action but the total opposite occurred and i hope you can forgive me for that. I promise to make it up to you. Making sure you're okay right now is all that matters to me. 


On my way to the train I began to think about you. Walking down 34th Street with the sun barely peeking above the horizon, I passed a candy stand and saw those sour chewy straws that you love so much. I wonder if thinking about you just shifted my eyes towards that object that reminded me of you. The universe is peculiar like that sometimes and at this very moment as I write this, with my Valencia-filled mind, I question if I'm in your head too. Are you thinking about me as I am about you? Do you love me and care for me as much as I do for you? I'm not 100 percent certain but if you are, I would believe that we are as close to being soul mates as any two people could be. The skepticism of it all has crossed my mind but love, marriage, eternity, children and a family, you make those possibilities seem feasible to me. This is something no other woman has made me sure of. For that, I am so grateful and blessed. I could never let something so uncanny go, and I mean that in a good way. 

Love,
your Ken'g
***

Day 1 

The trees are swaying in such a forceful rhythm under the clouds and stars. I wish I could describe what I am peering at in a more creative way but I can't think of any words. I feel so empty. And confused. My mind is so clouded. I guess I should thank the Universe for this five day camping trip in Western Maryland/West Virginia... I really feel like I need some alone time.. Even though I don't want to be without you. 

I'm not mad at you anymore. I stopped being mad as soon as I lost service. Instead, I started to miss you, more than ever. We have a long distance relationship but not being able to speak to you AT ALL for the next 4 days is about to kill me. Its only been a few hours and I'm already feeling depressed about it. And I wish we wouldn't have had that petty argument before I lost service. 

So now we're in the middle of the woods at the Spring Gap campsite and the girls are supposed to be asleep but of course they are all gossiping and laughing in their tents. It's almost mid-night, I should probably get up and tell them to go to bed but I know this is exciting for them. I don't want to ruin their fun on the first night. 

I remember my own camping trips as a little girl. Whether with my school, Girl Scouts, or cheerleading, I can remember how grateful I was just to be out of the house for a few days. My grandmother didn't let us go to sleep over parties but she was cool with trips like this. I think she wished that she would've had the opportunity to go when she was child too. She always said she wished that she could've been a Girl Scout but her grandmother, who was raising her, couldn't afford the dues and the uniform. We, as in all of her children and grands, have lived a lot of our her dreams for her.. I'm sure we still do. This morning, Eve asked me was I excited to go and I said, "Not at all. But the fact is, someone was there for me on all of my outdoors trips. It's an honor to pay it forward." 

I wish you were here though or at least that I could talk to you. If I could tell you anything right now it would be that I apologize for over-reacting. You hurt my feelings but I know your heart. I know you didn't mean it. 

I shouldn't tell you this because I know how we feed off of one another's feelings, both positive and negative, but I'm honestly kind of afraid of what might happen with us over these next few days of silence. What if you realize how peaceful it is without me and want to break up. Kanye's Paranoid just started playing in my head. I don't know why I'm always so afraid of losing you. You have shown me nothing but unconditional love thus far but I am still so afraid of messing everything up. And I don't know what I will do if I do .. You've become my best friend. I really need you.

I'm going to get some rest and pray about things. I miss you and love you. 

Yours, 
Flow


***

It is day two since you've been gone and you're still running through my mind as if I have been locked away in prison doing a 20 year bid. I'll leave the past in the past, saying no more in regards to our last conversation. Last night, you came across my mind a million times. I missed you so much that I went to visit your IG page. Not to investigate but to see your face in abundance. IG doesn't do your beauty any justice. I also think our personal photos that we have together hold so much emphasis on us, including our creativity, humor, love for art and most importantly our love for one another. 


I can't wait to see your soft beautiful brown face. That pearly white smile that comes to life whenever you see your favorite flower or when I begin to rap our favorite phrase and you sing along with me in harmony. Other times, I'll get a smile from you if I tell you something sweet or thoughtful like, I'd walk the Earth barefoot until it became a barren, grassless wasteland, just to prove that my love for you will outlive life and the hands of time. Surprising you with random small gifts just to let you know I was thinking about you... Those smiles are what mean the most to me. I can't wait until I can wake up to them everyday for the rest of my life, and then wake up to our beautiful children's smiles that you will bring into our world. Until then then emojis and photos of the last time we were together on our memorable carnival date will have to do. 

I love you, even though those words don't suffice. 


***
Day 2 

It's 7 am. All I can think about is our argument and the argument I had with Carissa. Why is it that I can't get along with anyone these days? I feel so distant from everyone in my circle. I need to use this week as major solitude and reflection time. I need to figure out what's going on with me. 

I made a to-do list this morning of all of the things that I need to take care of when I get back. The two Outward Bound instructors told me to treat this week like a vacation and let them deal with the girls. It doesn't feel like a vacation though. It feels like I missing everything back home. And I have so much to take care of! I can't even relax the way I really want to.. And how is this a vacation with out my man?! Even though we haven't even been on a single trip yet, I still feel like it's not a vacay with out you. Blah.. 

I still feel very confused about everything in life. But I'm looking out at the Potomac River as it moves on it's own. It's just flowing naturally. The more I stare at it, the more at ease my spirit feels. It's almost like it's reminding me that everything will work out, naturally. No need to force things. And that goes for my friendships, my future plans, and of course, us. 

The other night, I told you that I hate not knowing when this distance between us will come to an end. But the movement of the river is speaking to me, telling me that all things will move in the way that we want them to, exactly when they are supposed to. 

I haven't been meditating and reading as much as I should lately. I can't wait to move out of my apartment in two weeks. I am ready to reorganize my daily routines. I want to get back to writing every morning and reading every night. Those are my meditative practices and I have to do them in order to keep myself grounded and in a positive mental space. Maybe that's why my mind doesn't feel open any more. I have to give myself time to create again. Crazy thing is: I have written down all of these ideas that I want to work on but I haven't started a single thing on the list because I haven't given myself time. I'll never reach my full potential if I keep this up. With that said, I think I have come up with my newest challenge: Living by a daily activity plan. I need to challenge myself to be more organized and structured. Granted, I've been using my written calendar and it's been working well, I still need to break down my days so that I can be as productive as possible. Fasting from social networks, sex, or meat are not things that help me in my daily life. But challenging myself to be punctual and prepared, now that's something that will change me for the better! I hope you'll join me in this. I think it will be help us to lean on one another and be successful if we do it together. But no pressure. I just know we both said our biggest downfall is procrastinating. 

8:25 PM

We canoed 8 miles from Spring Gap to Potomac Forts today. It took us about 8 hours. I am beyond proud of the girls.  None of their canoes flipped over. Every time a canoe got stuck on the rocks, they would hop out and push each other's canoe. Took a lot of strength. They all were so positive about everything. I hope they take these persevering skills back to school with them. 

I took a long walk by myself when we finally got to the campsite. I praised and thanked God for all of my many blessing. Especially for giving me this time to meditate on the things that have been weighing heavily on my mind. 

It's super creepy here through. It's almost a full moon and we're sleeping right outside of an old abandoned white cottage. There's an old bridge over the swamps that must've carried trains once upon a time. I love these swamps though. They're filled with heart-shaped lily pads and frogs. Reminds me of Thailand, except that there aren't any lotus. 

I was flipping through my journal and I found a page that I wrote in Thailand exactly five months ago today. It was titled "What I Want..." It was about what I wanted in a relationship and it's crazy because everything that I wrote on that list, I have with you. Can't wait to share it with you when I get back. It's like you always say, the law of attraction and speaking things into existence is real. 

Love you more than ever, 
Your Queen


***

Almost there
At this point i miss you so much I don't know what to do with myself. This week hasn't been the best for me and often times I think about you. I've been in this funk since earlier this week and I don't want to feel this way. Living so far away from you isn't good for me right now and I don't feel productive in terms of photography. I'm not happy with the shots I have been taking for whatever reason. They just aren't good to me. If my shit isn't dope then I don't even want to post it. Sometimes I feel as though I'm not doing enough, not putting in enough work. I need more income but I'm also trying to be grateful for what I do have. My situation could most definitely be worse and I need to be thankful. When I'm not in New York I think I could be missing out on opportunities, networking, taking great photos, and going to productive events. At the same token I yearn to get away and to spend time with you. I feel happiest when I'm with you and having that in my life is a necessity. Don't get me wrong, I damn sure get busy when you're not around but when we're together I know we are impenetrable. So much to write and so little time. *sighs* I'll just be my normal self when you're in my arms and I can kiss you again. Viewing things from a different perspective, I may never let you go anywhere with out me. You'll have to pack me along with the rest of your luggage *laughs*. 


Anyway, 2 more days. I miss you and love you so much. 

My heart, my Queen, and all of the beautiful things in between.
***

Day 3
9:30 AM

"How do I lead by example?" That's the new list I am working on this morning Bae. So far I have: 
1) Being my best self will allow and inspire others to be their best selves; 
2) Work on changing myself, NOT changing others; 
3) Be honest and set clear visions and expectations for what I want; 
4) Even though people are always watching, still make decisions that make me happy first. 

8:38 PM

"Aye y'all! My track is falling out!" Diamond yelled. 

"Diamond! That's not something you should announce!" Zaria yelled back. 

"I'm sorry but it is!!! I need to go home! This is a serious injury!"

"No girl! That is not a bodily injury!" Aliyah chimed in. 

"Yes it is!!! This is life or death!" 

We all broke out into much needed laughter. Today was the toughest day yet! It felt like a thousand degrees and we had to canoe in the middle of sun, with those heavy life jackets on, for another 8 hours today. Kiara came on her period and had terrible cramps, meanwhile, I think I have a damn yeast infection. These feminine wipes are not made for every day use! I took my water bottle in the porta-potty (which reeked of hot sh't) and put water in my hands, rubbed some Dove into my palms and tried to wash my coota-mama.. I feel cleaner but still disgusting. I shouldn't even complain about this porta-pot because just a few hours ago, I had to dig a hole in the dirt to take a number two. Sade and I really had to go. My stomach was killing me from holding it! I'm sure it was from eating that left over tuna casserole for lunch. Or maybe it was because I drank bugs!!! There were these little red bugs in my water and I didn't even notice until I had already drank half of the bottle. I'm dying Bae. Please make sure that my grandmother knows I love her. I really don't see how I am going to survive this place for another two days! 

I know if we were on the phone, you would tell me to find at least one good thing to celebrate ... Blah to that! I want to get out of hereee!! But whatever.. I can celebrate some of the girls. Diamond and Aliyah's boat capsized and they flip into the water. It was hilarious. Aliyah was pissed!!! But Diamond laughed and laughed. I'm so proud of her growth. Her attitude is getting better and better. I'm proud of Sade too. She showed so much leadership and maturity today when the girls were being rude to her. That's big for her.. She's also been our personal entertainment - telling us crazy funny stories about her neighborhood. I'm going to get her to write a few for the blog. She's a great story teller.

I'm so tired though Bae and I just want to come home and take a hot bath. I don't even think I will let you touch me for the first couple of days. I just feel so gross! But I miss you.. And I really can't wait to see you! 2 more dayssss!

Love,
Your Stinky Girl


***

A day away
It's the eve of your return and i'm super excited. I'm writing this from the new apartment, lying in my new bed. I blessed and prayed for the room in order to keep good vibes and peace within my new domain. You know we have to keep the peace everywhere we go. I haven't received any signs of negativity which has been a good thing so far but we'll see how well I sleep on the first night. I'm somewhat tired but strung out on multiple thoughts playing over and over again in my brain. Between work, upcoming projects, photography, and you, the love of my life indubitably, I just can't seem to rest.


I can't wait to see you pretty lady. I don't know how we're going to make this happen this weekend with our conflicting schedules but I can't go another weekend without you. I refuse to. I might lose it. I miss you so much. I have to work Saturday so Im trying to see if you should come out here. Even if you can't I'll come late Saturday and go home early Monday. I'll just take a half day at work. I can't wait to hear your voice tomorrow. Happy one month. I pray we have many more. I love you baby.

With all my heart,
Ken'g

***

Day 4 

It's our one month anniversary. All I want to do is call you and tell you I love you. And thank you for loving me. And thank you for being so patient with me. And always listening to me. And making me feel like a queen. But I can't... Instead, this morning, I ate bugs again! They were in the water that we used to make our oatmeal. The instructor told me not to worry about it because bugs are just extra protein. Lord knows, if I didn't have to set an example for the girls, I would've threw that mess right in his face. Protein my ass! 

Speaking of my booty, I had to dig a hole again. Those porta-pots were even more disgusting than the ones at the other campsite. I hate this trip. I'm so ready to go home. 

Luckily though, the schedule for today was messed up. They had us set to canoe seventeen miles today. The instructors felt like that was way too much. Damn right it's too much! We decided to stay here instead of going to our next destination, which means we will be doing initiatives here today. Some of the girls are happy but some, like Sam, said they would rather canoe than partake in initiatives. Our first initiative is a 3 mile hike. Good luck to us. 

1:05 PM

Together, we all walked through Paw Paw Tunnel. Sade led the way. It was beyond eerie. History tells us that the tunnel and canal were built in the late 1800s by the hands of slaves. But it's so narrow that when merchants would come from opposite sides to go through it, they would fight until one of them surrendered. I mean, people would literally die over who should turn around and go back. Crazy right?!

Anyways, Sade was great at leading, at first. She was the only one with a flash light out of all 11 of us. When we would come across big puddles in the tunnel, she would shine her light for us to be able to walk around them, instead of inside of them. The second time we came across the puddles, she yelled, "There's a puddle up here!" and turned around to shed the light for everyone to see but with the exception of the girls in the front, no one else could hear her. The other girls were all into their conversations. She realized that they weren't listening so she turned around and kept heading to the end of the tunnel, leaving the girls to step in the puddles, because she had the light. 

It reminded me so much of myself. I love helping others but when I feel unheard or unappreciated, I quit and just do my own thing. But like the girls in my crew felt about Sade today, it makes my friends and family members feel like I am selfish when I do that. I guess what I need to start doing is speaking louder when I want to be heard and realizing that no deed goes unnoticed, even if the person I do it for doesn't show me even the slightest bit of gratitude. 

The instructors split the girls and I up for silent reflecting time. I whispered in Diamond's ear before leaving her that I wanted her to reflect on the growth she's had over the last few months and think about how she can continue to grow. I just want her to be confident in herself and realize that she is a leader. 

I climbed to the top of the tunnel. I'm literally sitting on the top, looking at everything beneath me. A beautiful black humming bird keeps coming pass me, a black and yellow bumble bee landed on my bag, and an itty-biddy lady bug just crawled by. The tadpoles are swarming around the still waters that lay in the canal and the trees are tops are dancing in the warm breeze. 

We canoed under about about 5 bridges on this trip. It makes sense because we are on the Potomac River. Bodies of water have to have bridges built for people to be able to cross them. This connects to my own life because I feel like I am a person that is constantly trying to conquer new waters. And because of this, there will always be new bridges to be built. My bridges are you, my family, friends, and even my students. And none of these bridges could ever stand with just me holding them up on my own. But maintaining the bridges can be such a challenge because everyone in my circle is always in various stages in their own lives. The older we get, the more I sometimes find myself either behind their stage or beyond their stage.. and so I find myself mot fully supporting them like I should because I am only focused on myself. At the same time, its really tough to find a balance between which bridges I should travel on more and which bridges need a break from my traffic because they are going through their own personal reconstruction... Does this make sense? I hope this makes sense. All I am saying is that I have learned that everyone is not ever going to be in the same stage in life at the same time. So I have to be aware and considerate of their needs, not just my own. 

8:30 PM

I've missed you more than I have ever missed anyone this week. This silence between us has been deafening. And it confirms one thing, I love you, just for you.

 I feel like the sooner I go to sleep, the sooner I will wake up and be back with you.

The girls and I are sleeping outside tonight, not in the tents. We're all admiring the stars. A shooting star just went by and it reminded me of that night we shared at Montebello Lake. We got so excited about that shooting star. I bet you can't guess what I wished for... but I'll tell you when it comes true.

I'm so drained and too tired to write anymore tonight but I want to share this quote that I just read in Khalil Gibran's "The Prophet", "When you part from your friend, you grieve not; For that which you love most in him may be clearer in his absence, as the mountain to the climber is clearer from the plain."

I love you Ken'g
Always, always.

Comments

  1. So...his names Ken...

    Really though, if you wanna talk about growth, look how you've grown (i'm being a teacher now!)! You went from saying how your such an introvert to sleeping with 11 girls and sharing things on you blog you wouldn't have just 2 months ago. Your blog has grown into something much more profound and deep, and us readers appreciate the new bond of trust. You tell us everything now, and really means something that you can pour yourself into your writing. Maybe your not such a introvert?...Keep writing these!

    -Teacher Jake

    ReplyDelete
  2. I agree with Jake. It's so refreshing to read your thoughts and get a sense of your feelings. Also, just to see how transparent you are. It's honestly inspiring. Keep them coming.

    ReplyDelete

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