Titles Don't Come to Mind When You Have Heart Block
During our walk home we talked about the latest Ferguson shooting. I wonder how all of the protestors feel? How does it feel to go so hard to make a statement, just for the same exact crime to take place again?
I had a dream last night that someone asked me why I taught my students about Garner and Ferguson, and why I thought that it was appropriate to make connections to the Holocaust. I got defensive in my dream. I've been really defensive in real life lately too.
But why would I dream about that? Why is my subconscious thinking about my lesson plans? Maybe because that's what I should be working on now, instead of writing a journal entry. But I can't focus on Edgar Allen Poe right now. I don't want to teach about him. I mean, maybe my mind will change but right now I just wish I could teach a critical race theory course to my middle schoolers.... But then again, maybe I can. Maybe I can combine the theorists to Poe. I'll see.
I've been thinking about getting rid of everything: the blog, the gram, Facebook.. all of it - I just want to mute the world and focus on what's most important: my students. The Blossoms and my Literacy classes are my first priority. But I know I can't commit social-network-suicide by getting rid of those outlets because I have to use my platform as a young educator to inspire other young people to do positive things as well.
But I hate my blog as of lately. It's all so forced and depressing. Its been hard to beat my writers block lately. Alex Elle calls it heart block. I completely understand why she calls it that. And how ironic is it that now that I have a man in my life, my heart is at its weakest point? It's sad. I'm hurting in places that he could never heal.
And I'm overwhelmed.
I guess I should be solutions based and make a list of things that will help me to move forward...
1. Keep writing everyday. What you deem as writers block may be interpreted as just the word someone else may need. Your gift is God-given, don't go into a black hole and hide. Don't be selfish with your light.
2. Pray. You stopped praying, you can't possible go in the direction that you are supposed to if you don't listen to the voice of the Most High.
3. Take care of everything, one thing at a time. No matter how long each thing takes, you must do things one at a time. Stop putting too many things on your plate. You have been over exerting yourself. Slow down. Even Oprah said, "You CAN have it all, you just can't have it all at once." Take your time and do things RIGHT.
4. Let yourself feel the pain. The longer you run from it, the more it will chase you and haunt you and hurt you. Feel it. Face it. Overcome it. One day at a time.
5. Don't lose your smile. You may feel like you're going through a lot right now - and to be honest, you are! But you also have a hell of a lot to be thankful for. Write your gratitude lists each morning before you start your day. Find a reason to smile, laugh, and love.