Trying to Get Some Work Done... Too Much on My Mind Though


The dog next door barks too loud but I still wanted to sit in the living room and work this morning. Bae is upstairs writing and working as well. I like having a two story home, it's nice to be able to give each other space. All I've ever known were two bedroom apartments, ones where I could hear my grandparents' entire conversation no matter what room they were in. No privacy at all. 

Anyways, our first Christmas was cool. I made a big breakfast: blueberry pancakes, grits, cheese eggs, biscuits, and turkey sausages. It was good. We watched movies like Sleepless in Seattle and chased each other around the house with the nerf guns that I got us for Christmas. We're such big kids. 

For dinner, I baked some steaks and potatoes. Threw some greens in a pot and made some corn bread too. Bae said my corn bread was better than his grandma's. I can't take all the credit though, after all, it was my granny that taught me how to cook.

She's been on my mind heavily. Today, she moving back into her place on Broadway, leaving the apartment that I grew up in on Manhattan Ave. behind. She called me at 5 o'clock this morning, we talked for about an hour and she said this was her saddest Christmas ever. I feel like sh't because I wasn't there to help her move. Maybe I should've been there but ... I just couldn't be... None of us could have been there... Not my sister nor my aunts.. Not even my mother. I can't explain it. And I won't even attempt to. It's no point because you won't understand, especially if you don't know me on a personal level. 

I cried a few times yesterday though. As strong as I am trying to be for myself and for my grandmother, it really, really hurts. I wish I could've taken Bae home to see my family, like he took me home to see his for Thanksgiving. But the reality is: I don't come from the same place as most folks. The structure of my family deteriorates more and more each year. 

But I'm blessed because each time I cried, he would hold me and tell me that he is my family. Told me that we're working hard now so that our future children never have to go through the things we have faced. That gives me hope.

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