8:08


Being crazy is frustrating. Being moody is scary. 

At times I think I have it all together. And I know that no matter what, everything will be okay. 

But in a matter of days or hours or even minutes, my entire outlook can change and I lose all hope.

My granddad just called me in the middle of my writing. I was happy to hear from him but then, I began to cry again. He says he's happy and free down in Alabama, having fun. I'm happy for him. He deserves to be in a good space. He said he's going to watch the fight. I'm not. No one to watch it with, no where to watch it. 

My confusion today is coming from me trying to figure the answer to the question of if I should move back to New York. Will being there make me feel less lonely? Am I even lonely here or am I just down today? I honestly don't know anything anymore. 

But even through these tears that I'm wiping with these hard Chipotle napkins, I know that everything will be okay. I wish I could just not cry. Why is it that even though I know I'm going to be good, I still hurt? Why do I allow things that are out of my control flood my mind and terrify me? Why don't I know how to ignore my doubts? I'm afraid of these moods because they just won't stop coming and going. I don't like things that I don't understand and I especially hate things that I can't control. They frighten me. 

Being crazy is frustrating. Being moody is scary. 


Comments

  1. It happens, I feel like that all the time. I think everyone does, however it's those of us that really take time with ourselves to analyze or check up on our mind and spirit. Those of us that search deep for our purpose, passions and meanings, that get caught up in our feelings. I usually give myself an hour or so the get through the mood swing ( I'll write, draw, play music, dance in the mirror, take a bath lol) and make it my mission to do something fun, uplifting or new right after, to get back into reality... have you read Eckhart Tolle? The Power of Now? its great - sorry for the rambling I love your blog, it gets me through the long shifts.

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  2. This feeling is so familiar.

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