9:19PM in the Heights
So if you read everything I write, you have like a behind the scenes of the "real ms. clay" ... Y'all saw me totally emotionally depleted last week and this week, I'm happier than ever.
I told y'all before, having mood disorder is not a curse. It damn sure ain't always pretty but it allows me to reflect when I'm experiencing a low and find out what triggers my anxiety and depression. I do the same with the highs. I literally have a list of "things that make me feel low" and "things that make me feel naturally high". I have to say, the number one thing that brings me to a happy place is living in my purpose. I feel like I am at my best when I am hard at work for our Blossoms.
Since I moved to NY, I still go back to Baltimore once a month for Blossoms and I was finding, that was the only time I felt joy. I started to have regrets about leaving my old comfort zone. But our new director of fundraising events works at the MET, well connected in the art scene here, and is an NYU grad student. Our new director of mentors is a Columbia grad who is about to make sure every little Blossom girl has an Ivy League Black woman as a mentor. These women totally have what we need as an organization and I didn't even have to look for them, they found their way to us. And then, to see our cohort leaders in Baltimore stepping into their leadership roles so gracefully in my absence is just beautiful. All of these women are so fly and just down for the mission of serving girls. Moving to New York has proven to be the best decision I could have made for Blossoms. Now that I have started Blossoms here, I feel so so so good. No, my happiness isn't contingent on my program. But I realize that I feel good, damn good, when I am doing work that comes from my heart. Teaching is my joy but working with these phenomenal women and potential filled girls is my Light. Life always feels better when you find your sense of purpose. There lies your doorway to peace.
So just to be explicit, what I am saying to you is:
-when you feel anxiety, relax and remember, you are exactly where you are supposed to be. if you relax, you will see, everything is working together for your greater good; you don't have to do anything more, everything is coming your way.
-don't doubt your decisions. where ever you are, is exactly where you are supposed to be. the less you resist this notion determines how much better you will feel.
-find ways to do what you love where ever you are. if you don't know what you love, first you need to invest time in figuring that out. what do you love? why? and how can you do that everyday?
K, bye ... I just wanted to tell y'all how I was feeling. I have to do report cards now, blah...