Day 89



I am grateful for waking up this morning 
I am grateful for having friends with cars that make me take long drives in silence and don't force me to talk about anything 
I am grateful for going to the museum last night and feeling inspired 
I am grateful for learning that I cannot hide under a rock, this actually adds to my depression, doesn't help it 
I am grateful for learning how to be a therapist through my therapy sessions, talking to my granny as if I was her therapist, asking her the right questions and getting her to reflect on why she is the way she is, teaching her to forgive herself and to love herself first and start living. 
I am grateful that I was chosen to be there for her through this, it's an honor and is maturing me and helping me to be strong in ways that I never had to be before 
I am grateful for all of the artists and poets that are going to make this years coat drive really something special
I am grateful that even though my friends and I are often in dark places mentally, we give so much of ourselves and show others how to be giving as well. I am grateful that I don't have wack friends who only value the materialistic things in life. I am grateful for having seen the world with my sisters and making memories and bonds. 
I am grateful for my family. I am grateful for not seeing myself with a husband and children but knowing that I will have them simply because I am the one who is going to be the root of a real foundation. 
I am grateful for knowing that no one is going to love me unless I love myself but even when I didn't love myself, people did love me and that gave me reason to remember why I should love myself 
I am grateful for my grandad. He loves her. 
I am grateful for the talk I had with her about her love life and learning sooooo much about why I was the way I was. Why I went through what I went through with men. How much she didn't teach me because she just didn't know. 
I am grateful that my phone died and this list was still here when it came back on. 
I am grateful for breathing, deep breaths. I am grateful for my ability to always be real. I am grateful for not smoking weed, drinking liquor, having sex with someone I don't love, and just facing sh't head on. No avoidance mechanisms are welcome here. I am grateful for al green on my record player right now. 
I am grateful for my old soul and youthful features. 
I am grateful for my abs and my little butt that began to come in. 
I am grateful for massaging my gran's scalp and knowing my hands are healing her mind and soul
I am grateful for having more than enough love in me to love her. 
I am grateful for finally seeing appreciation in her wounded eyes. 
I am grateful for losing the need to feel validated and appreciated by her many years ago 
I am grateful for friends like Toy and Meekz who helped me through some of the worse times with her. Toy in college and Meekz, teaching me not to have claws and be a dragon 
I am grateful for having true people in my corner even when I don't want to be bothered by anyone at all, I know I am not by myself 
I am grateful for all of my books and the things I learn when I read 
I am grateful for reading 70 pages in 2 hours yesterday without getting distracted by anything
I am grateful for seeing the future and knowing that things are about to get crazier but knowing that I am fully prepared
I am grateful for crying in the middle of the night and not having anyone to console me, being my own strength. I am my own Light first. 
I am grateful for my readers who seem to still f^ck with the things I have been writing even though I think it's wack and depressing 
I am grateful for being consistent with my blog and deciding to go back to Instagram because pictures used to make me really happy and the last two days they have made me happy 
I am grateful for coffee and pumpkin bread 
I am grateful for my students and their love, so pure and unconditional 
I am grateful that if no one else was going to tell me they were grateful for me on thanksgiving, they did 
I am grateful for not waiting until thanksgiving to be grateful
I am grateful for these Marley twist and not having to worry about my hair this week 
I am grateful for having my own mind
I am grateful for fighting doublemindedness and knowing that I have the ability to make a choice and stick with it. I am grateful that my doublemindedness has never steered me wrong. 
I am grateful for living in New York 
I am grateful for being from New York 
I am grateful for my southern Virginia and North Carolina roots 
I am grateful for becoming less insecure and more confident in myself 
I am grateful for the people who have helped me along the way 
I am grateful for my love life and not ever being stuck with someone that I wasn't supposed to be with 
I am grateful for the hard losses that proved to be plentiful gains 
I am grateful for phony friends and my spirit of discernment and knowing that it's really not about me, it's about their insecurities. I am grateful for understanding why people do things, even when they fail to give me the same understanding. I am grateful for my patience. 
I am grateful for my ability to speak life into others 
I am grateful for my calling and following it 
I am grateful for sleeping straight through the night again
I am grateful for having no credit card debt, completely paid off all bills and student loans are automatically taken out 
I am grateful for not getting the grant that I applied for and knowing that something even greater must be in store 
I am grateful for all of the things I have 
I am grateful for the moon as it hides behind the clouds at night. Reminds me so much of me. Hiding back there but we all can still see its light. 
I am grateful for this mild fall we have had 
I am grateful for never attempting suicide no matter what the voices say 
I am grateful for many years of fighting inside 
I am grateful for my education 
I am grateful for my dedication to my students even though I would rather not work at all 
I am grateful that they give me a reason to live and love and teach me things everyday even if it's just a new slang word 
I am grateful for their hugs and their writing 
I am grateful for my mentors who want me to do so much and see more in me than I can even see 
I am grateful for not wanting anything for Christmas, just wanting to create and write 
I am grateful for not booking any tickets to go anywhere because my spirit is telling me that I need to stay home 
I am grateful for not questioning my spirit 
I am grateful for not trying to keep up with everyone else
I am grateful for not wanting to be around people and just letting life be silent so I can hear the voice of spirit not the voices that want to hurt me 
I am grateful for Kendrick Lamar's gift 
I am grateful for the solace and peace I feel 
I am grateful for learning how to meditate
I am grateful for what's going to happen next 

I am grateful, I am Valencia. 

Comments

  1. I'm grateful for how honest your are with your growth process. It inspires me to be more thorough with mine. I love how you continue to embrace and endure it all.

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