This Woman's Work

"He's not making you feel like you're not good enough, Valencia, you already felt like that inside... Even before you met him...
Even before he broke your heart."


Wednesday, November 4th, 2015

I've been battling writer's block but I have decided to leave it in the ring on its own .. I'm no longer fighting back. People like me, so called "professional intellectuals", are supposed to "stay on" all of the time.. Once we fall off, we lose our appeal and risk someone else taking our spot. But honestly, I'm not here to maintain a status in the social-stratosphere, I'm trying to persevere my sanity. F^ck relevance. 

I had therapy tonight and I was so vulnerable in my uncontrollable tears... The break through was that I have open wounds bleeding out insecurities all over me... they're like scabs that I've been scratching since my childhood. That's not really a surprise. But it was the way she said it and connected my constant transference of feelings from the past to my current realities that made that old epiphany feel like a new revelation again. (Gotta love my therapist... always making me see things for what they are, no sugar coating, no non-sense.)


Doc told me that now, my task is to do the work of loving myself. But I'm like: How am I supposed to do that and teach these kids? And lead these Blossoms? And write these memoirs? The real question is how can I do all of those things and NOT do the work of loving myself first? I can't effectively lead these girls if I am just as broken as they are. It's sooooo overwhelming. But if the root of my issues comes from me genuinely not feeling adequate enough, despite all of my accomplishments and talents, than I must do the work of digging as deep as I can to yank those roots from within the depths of their hiding places and plant new seeds. I have to learn how to look at myself and love myself and love myself and love myself and love myself and love myself ... This work comes first. Before I can even consider falling in love with a new man, before I can be called a master teacher, before I can publish any books or pursue a PhD, I've got to put this work first. 




Comments

  1. I believe in you finding your true love, within yourself. I believe that through meditation and affirmations - daily - through lifes ups and downs can get you there. The beauty of this all is that you are trying and teaching (others through this blog) how to confront thyself, and are blessed to have therapy and a counselor which many don't have access to.

    God Bless you, continue to walk in love and truth.

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