Venting. Breathing. Growing. But in a Relaxed Way...


As I continue to find reasons to love me for me, I looked in the mirror and saw myself for who I truly am, a human being. And I fell in love, like it was my first time ...because it was my first time. I am not the woman I was yesterday. Everyday I grow. And people can look at me when I'm down and tell me to just love myself. I tell myself too: just let yourself be loved, girl. I can write affirmations. I can write gratitude lists. But that ain't ever going to be enough if I don't accept the process, if I don't learn to relax instead of resisting. Things are the way they are meant to be. Not to harm me. No one is out to hurt me. No one is going to put me down anymore. I've survived the worst. Everything is in my head. This is what I am contending with. This is what others will never understand. Being a woman with voices in her head is not easy. Being abandoned makes me question myself too much. Being a teacher can drive you insane as well, you always have one thing or another to worry about - it's not something that we cut off at 5. Being so open in my writing is the scariest thing ever. Is there a line for how vulnerable I should be? I want to delete it all but then there's the stranger that writes me and says, thanks for saying that... And so I continue to give all of me. Why can't I be one of those quiet girls. Why do I show my emotions in my face when I'm annoyed or overwhelmed? Why am I always the only one speaking out in the meetings when things ain't right? Being a leader is not always glamorous. And I'm not a parent but dammit I'm my own baby. I can barely take care of myself some days. But I'm a natural born leader who finds that my bouts of depression and anxiety and insanity are triggered to the highest level when I am not doing the work I was created to do. I have to serve. It's my addiction. Man, today I feel good. Real good. Tomorrow I could find myself down but the thing is, it's only considered a down if I call it that. I am in control. Thanks to these voices, I've never not heard an answer from within. I've got to remember this. But when I don't remember this, I've got to remember that that's okay too. My spirit leads me. It's gotten me this far and I was blinded for most of the journey. Now that I can see, I should never worry at all. But I will. And that's okay too. Everything is okay. All is well. Morning by morning. I am in full alignment with my purpose. This woman's work is never done. I get that now. But as I continue to find reasons to love myself, I look in the mirror and see myself for who I truly am, a seed. Forever flourishing. Forever a blossom. 




Comments

  1. Here I am at 5:03 a.m. reading your blog. I often find peace in Valencia's Garden. I can relate to your words as if I was writing down my own thoughts. For that..thank you! Thank you for being you and not being afraid. God bless...

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