NP: Sade - Tattoo

10:56PM

It amazes me how much time I spend alone... how much I like it. I remember crying about being alone in Baltimore when my friends moved away. I cried for a long time and would always cry whenever they left after visiting me. Now, it's all blur under the memory of my spirit assuring me that those nights alone were preparing me for something. I always thought it meant I would move even farther away and have no friends and be able to handle it. What I have come to realize is, it was preparing me to be closer to Spirit - to get to know myself, every part of me. It was those nights that taught me how to accept my solitude. Taught me how to enjoy and love and find the makings of me. 

I left my journal in school. I thought about starting a new one because I really didn't want to type anything tonight. I prefer to use pen and paper when I just have these kinds of random but not so random thoughts. Maybe that's why I don't mind being alone. I never feel alone. I always feel like someone is watching or listening. 

I'm so different than I was before. 

Before being clinically diagnosed. 

So much clarity. 

Labels are soothing. Long as you inform yourself on them. Don't rely on someone else's know-how when it comes to your health. 

Before learning about my depression I used to fight my feelings so much. Running from them. Never analyzing them and finding out what they meant. That was too scary. Just like being alone was scary too. Things have changed. My progress is the sheer result of being vulnerable enough to get the help I needed. 

Another thing I have had to admit to myself is that I am addicted to meditating. It's really my medication. I told my therapist and she said that's the most healthiest thing I could do for myself. How about that?

I am on the right track. 

I am. 


Comments

  1. This spoke to me. Too deep. I appreciate your transparency! You're truly a beautiful soul. ���� prayers up

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  2. Hi Ms. Clay, this Lucas Ballard from BFA. I didn't know where most of my teachers are now and I saw you had a blog of some some sorts. I read your article about Najee. I know that it's old but it was heartfelt. How are you doing? What have you been up to?

    ReplyDelete

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