Puddle Reflection No. 1: My Hotline Don't Bling
Wednesday, Jan. 27th, 2016
NP: Phony Ppl - That's Why I Love the Moon
Last night, or this morning rather, I started something new. It was a quarter past three, which quickly became 4:20... I couldn't sleep. Spent an hour in my thoughts. Even got up to meditate but there was too much on my mind. And no one to talk to. Ain't nobody on my hotline. My line actually can't even be considered hot. So I had a little idea. Might work. Might not. I decided to call myself. I went to the voice notes in my phone, pressed record, put the phone on my pillow, and just talked about everything that was on my mind. When I woke up an hour later for school, I realized I fell asleep on myself. The phone was still recording.
A satisfying pride filled my smile when I looked at my reflection. I made it through the night, on my own.
Thing is, I'm not even in a dark place. Not experiencing a low. There was just a lot on my mind.
Right before going to bed a former student called me with a whirlwind of drama that I know all to well. Not to diminish what she's facing but as her elder, I assured her, these are just growing pains. It's just tough because like me at 21, she doesn't have a strong support system of family and friends. Maybe that weighed on my heart heavily. I wanted to console her, embrace her, and let her spend the night at my house but it was impossible because she's in Baltimore and I am in New York. But I can't even say that kept me up because I already know she will persevere.
Maybe it's the overflow of clarity in the form of the glorious visions that dance in the black behind my eyelids. The excitement about having a clear ideas, creative brainstorms, and an overall sense of contentment regarding my job itself; not the tension and anxiety that was fought since the start of the school year.
Or maybe I just needed to see the moon's light through my window. Maybe the Universe just wanted to remind me of the consistency and promise that the stars provide.
Really, I don't know what kept me up but either way, I felt refreshed as I got out of bed this morning. That's how I know that even though I'm having trouble sleeping straight through the night, I'm not depressed right now. I moved around with such ease as I prepared for my day. I feel good. And successful at effectively comforting myself. A few months ago, I may have cried myself back to sleep or had a breakdown about feeling so alone in the wee hours of the night but look at me, I am growing. Finding stability by myself. Learning how nourish my own emotional needs.