Knowing What You Want in a Man Means Nothing If You're Not Going to be Ready When He Comes
March 9th, 2016
Best part of my day was sister time with Morgan. So much wisdom shared between us two. We talked about the usual, education, but then we found our way on the topics of love and marriage. She showed me the video of Jus proposing and I found myself in tears. Romantic is an understatement. I could feel the pureness of his heart through the screen.
She shared a story that revealed the reality of their journey and I was in awe. Completely inspired.
It compelled me to bring up my recent guy. I cried as I spoke, feeling defeated and yet, a dim sense of hope because of the outcome of her experience. Morg listened to me with the patience of the doctor that she is. She let me finish, and then left me with just one simple sentence of advice, "But Val, you're so focused on what you want in him," she looked over her glasses so that I could see my face in her sepia eyes. "You have to look at yourself."
Last night, I wrote a post, inspired by the lack of knowing and having a relationship with my biological father. I talked about how I haven't been able to settle with anyone yet because the Universe is protecting me from not repeating the cycle of choosing the wrong guy. But what about me? What do I still have to fix in me?
As I sit on this look-out deck, watching the Hudson reflect the setting sun, I can't help but reflect on that question: What do I have to work on?
Am I truly ready for the man that I desire? If I met him right now, or if I already know him and he came to me right now, would I be ready? Will I ever be ready?
What's holding me back?
Am I truly a woman, ready to be a wife and mother?
Do I know how to speak with consideration of other people's feelings? Can I sincerely say that I think about another person's well-being, not just my own, and how their actions affect me?
Is my propensity to allow the transference of my trauma causing me to further develop my mistrust of people's intentions, even though they are, by far, not the same people that have hurt me?
Is the fear of neglect causing me to run when things get tough?
Are my threats of leaving actually what is pushing people away?
My last question makes me think about how my granny used to always say, "If y'all don't act right, I'm sending y'all to a home!" She was talking about a foster home. There was always a living-fear that one day, she would get rid of us forever, and we would be left without anyone.
The mere fact that I remembered those incidents when CPS came to take us away, in the middle of writing this post, almost 20 years later, shows that I am still haunted by so many past demons ... Will I ever be able to give a man what I am expecting him to give me, if I can't let go of the turmoil that has blocked my heart?
Honestly, I can't keep being one-sided. Been setting criteria and searching for a good man, instead of focusing on creating the good in myself. Outside of my professional success, who am I? What makes me, me? Am I still me when I am with someone? No, I'm not. I am stronger alone. When I get too close, I have major melt-downs out of the fear of losing the guy because I've lost all of them starting with the first one who shouldve loved me the most but never did, ever .. But this isn't about my absent father. My life has nothing to do with him. He was never there from day one, no need to keep bringing him up.
With everything I have already persevered through, one would think moving beyond all adversity would come way easier. Some things do, but love, that's my Achilles' heel. And almost everyday, there seems to be a new struggle. But the truth is, I give such struggles power when I label them as struggles. After Morgan told me to look at myself and after sitting here for so long, in silence, watching this river run wide, I was reminded that the reflecting process never ends. The reason it never ends is because we never stop pursuing prosperity, love, and peace of mind. With the chase of those, there will always be new challenges. The thing to be mindful of is: a challenge and a struggle are two different concepts. Renaming them in that way is what will help to garner the success that I am seeking, in all relationships - not just the romantic ones.
It sucks that my life ain't been no crystal stair but ain't nothing I can do about the past now. I have to keep practicing the art of being present in the moment. Got to keep on living. Not re-living. Just appreciating the new beginnings.
I've got so much growth-work to do. So much self discovery and recovery.
Truly, all I really want is a best friend in a man. But I've got to learn what it is to be a friend first. To him and to myself.
The sun continues to go down and these British kids just came over with their skinny jeans, Nikons, and Supreme backpacks. Two guys and a girl. One guy is Black. They're on a mission, snapped a few pics of the bridge and now their heading down the narrow path that leads to the other side. I'm heading down too, mentally that is.