A Mourner's Curse
NP: Beyoncé - Pray You Catch Me
Lemonade is an artistic gift but a mourner's curse. I can't watch the videos without seeing you. Seeing us.
And I think of how you were right here. With me again. Like nothing. But when I was sleeping under an open ceiling and it stormed every night you weren't there.
My homegirls know. They know I am being strong. They know I still love you but I am just being strong. They know my sanity is all I have and to have you is to lose all I have... and they know I hide behind my glasses so that when the tears drop they don't have to see them fall. I rather cry. Rather be. Boring. Life is dull without the episodes but at least I can sleep straight through the night. Least I don't have nightmares of you and nameless women with lost souls and good hair.
And I tried to be present with this new one. Fully present as he and I laid on the grass at the park but I couldn't really enjoy the moment with him without thinking about you and the hike we went on when we got lost and you asked to hug me and you haven't hugged me like that since because I haven't let you and I promise I won't cry as I write this as I listen to sand castles and remember the night when I snatched our pictures out of the frames and burnt that rose and screamed and no one could hear me but Tay and he couldn't console me and even if he could it wouldn't have mattered because it wasn't you and I can't erase this feeling I can't erase you I see you and I see what you did to me and I can see what you would do to me again and I get so afraid I can't get close to you again I can't ever get that close again I can't let you back in I can't hurt myself because this time it would be my fault for letting you back in knowing your power knowing you can kill me alive.
My phone is rattling in my hands as this A heads uptown. Leaving Brooklyn with the thought of calling you while I was there but meditating has helped me to let my thoughts remain thoughts and not become actions.