soulmate

I called you. 
I'm legitimately afraid of being close to you again.
I need you to understand: fear causes me to plummet. 
I'm torn. Confused. Afraid. Crying. 
I'm crazy. It's scary.
Feels like I have no control. 
You are my drug. And I thought I was ready. 
I don't know if this is healthy or if it's not. 
I don't know if this is normal.
Or if it's not.
Dark.
Intense memories of myself screaming in black holes and then waking up to you two days ago like nothing ever happened. 
I am afraid to be 
Friends with 
My soul mate.


I'm turning my phone off. I thrive in silence. The voices. They all tell me to hide from you but not to run from you and I don't even know what that means. You don't understand.
How could you even begin to make sense of such
I don't want to lose my control.
How do you still have so much control over my emotions and my body without even touching me 
But I can't even get you to come enjoy the rain with me 
I spend every storm alone
You have so much control and I have nothing
Nothing 
Nothing
Nothing
No one
To listen to
How do you bring me to this place every time
I am stupid with all these degrees 
I keep going with you only to be forgotten in the distance 
Forced to regain my strength on my own 
Maintain my sanity on my own 
I have to.
You just wanted to see if you still had it.
You.
Just.
I just.
You.
I.
No we. Not a we.
I'm crazy. Afraid.
Maybe it's intuition.
I don't want to run but I can tell myself that you don't even value me and that will make it not running.
What have I learned
How did I get here
Because I wanted to see you and I wanted you to want to see me and it was too easy for you to tell me no and that 
Hurt. 
I am still hurting.
Reality.


You evoke the beauty and the beast within. 
Should I chase this love
This deranged love 
Or should I settle with a man that keeps me sane
Do I yearn for you to cut me and do I miss bleeding for you
Do I miss dying every night
I don't.
Yes I do.
No 
I don't. 
Want to stop.
But you can't handle this. 
No one can.
That's why I cry. Nobody can love a woman like me. You say you love me but you really don't know how to love me. You love me your way. You just want me your way. Selfish. Like my mama. Like my daddy. 


Childhood memories are conjured in the distance between these words and your lips 
I see neglect as an angel 
Pure white wings 
Like the feathers I find and collect 
You use my broken neglected abandoned wings 
You disguise it as quill sh't 
You use. 
Use. 
Used. 
Erased.
With no visible trace
It's like
I never existed.
It's like what you did never happened. It didn't matter yesterday. It didn't matter this morning. It didn't matter until it did. I thought I forgot. I thought I forgave and forgot. 
But it was my moods. Back at it again.
I was high with you here next to me.
I'm sober now that you are at a distance. The low swing is so close to the ground that I can taste the dirt without even licking it. 
Sober.
Clean. 
and I'm so ugly when I'm going through withdrawals. 
Do you still love me 
Love me 
Love me
Love me
When I'm in this form
This is me the me that you ran from the me that you tried to destroy the me that took the pain and turned it into passion
Love me 
Do you
I do


I remember now 
I'm supposed to love me way more than I love you and I'm supposed to love me way more than you love me too
I remember now
That I don't need you to get me high
I fly with shattered wings and eyes full of tears
Rising through red ashes 
Crashing 
Burning 
On my own
I get high 
High 
So damn high
I met my soul on gold clouds
God was there too
I met my soul
My soul
I met soul
She has no name
She just feels
Guides me toward the warmth of the light and I sleep with her on the tip of the crescent moon 
She invites me back in every time
I am not alone.
Because of her
I am
Not
Stranded
You. Yes you. almost made me forget about her.
But I remember now.
My beautiful soul.
I have a beautiful soul.



Comments

  1. This was beautiful! A lot of unpack but I definitely resonate, as I was recently going through and your words illustrate a similar pain.

    Thank you. I felt a little delusional, "but it was just my moods."

    ReplyDelete
  2. Danielle JasmineApril 6, 2016 at 9:44 AM

    This was AMAZING your poem resonated with my life so perfectly. So glad I found your page you are a talented & beautiful soul !

    ReplyDelete
  3. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment