Wrote my first message on my mirror. The voices are speaking to me. So many of them. I think back to all the messages I wrote on those closets and mirrors. And my bathroom at my house before I moved in with you. I wonder how long you watched me, knowing I was crazy, but not quite knowing how to get me to see it that way. I think about K and I wonder if any of it was real or was I imagining the whole thing. Am I paranoid? Who am I? So many voices. So many messages.
But the only one that matters is the one that tells me to keep going.
Ironic that I'm wearing this shirt. My friend Danny died this summer when I was in Cuba. I kept having dreams of death. Maybe they were about him. Maybe they were about little josh. Both killed in Baltimore. The place where I almost killed myself.
One night when we were in college, Danny called me and told me to meet him under the bridge. Everyone said that Danny had gone crazy. I remember meeting him and he told me that God was watching us and loved us. He said that we are powerful. I was too young. I didn't know what any of it meant. I couldn't figure out why of all people, Danny chose me but at the same time, I never questioned it. And here am I all these years later. And it all makes since.
I looked at myself in the mirror and I cried because I honestly couldn't tell which me that I was when I was looking at me. It felt like I was looking at someone else. I had to say, Val, this is you. The real you. There's only one you. But then the other side of me asked, why are so many people talking to me right now? Then another me said, this is you. you are a vessel. I looked at Danny's name. And I saw the word, work. I heard, you have so much work to do. you rose above it all. keep going.
I don't think any of this will ever make sense to anyone but I don't care anymore. Someone will love me. They won't seek understanding, they will seek my heart and cherish it and I will help so many people understand that living with a mood disorder is hard but it's worth it. I have so much work to do but I am not alone. Never alone.
Love you. Goodnight.