After a While
4am. june 1st. woke round midnight. my body remained still under the oscillating fan. i fantasized about the chi and what it would be like to ride down lake shore at this time of night. lifted my body after a while, never turning on the lights. used my sense of touch and memory to guide me to the bathroom. i had to pee. then i got thirsty. then i decided to read. needed some music to drown out the cars on the bridge. billie was already on the crosley. started and finished this book in a day. found myself in these pages. in my world, mirrors are made of paper, not glass. it's gemini season. summer is coming. grateful that it's not hard to wake in the mornings like it was in the depths of winter. starting in november cold leafless droughts make my body feel heavier than an oceans opening. it's hard to move. but i feel good now that the sky is on when i rise. but my low mood swings are not gone with the winter, they have shifted from morning to mid afternoon. i didn't recognize what was happening until i saw styron experience the same in this memoir. i heard the agitation in my tone toward my beloved students. for the last two weeks by 3pm, i'd been ready to crawl into my bed and hide from the birds. i can't even talk to them. but i fought. i have to be victorious over myself. i cannot let the low control me. not all of me. i pass my stop on the A and get off at the park. i find myself on the benches burying my nose in these books and i look up at the trees and find the sun jealous of me for being able to beat the darkness. the jealousy of a mother who loves her child. who is proud of her daughter but has a slight feeling of, if i never had you, i would've been able to do more. it's human nature. but after midnight the moon wins. he forces me to see his eclipse. not allowing me sleep. knowing that when i don't sleep i don't dream and then... i can't see what's coming next.