I am proud of the woman I have grown to become. Since the start of this season, I have been seeing and feeling the truth. Much of it hurts like a needle. A quick pinch that doesn't last or leave a bruise. Concealable truths, that I once hid from my own fear of being unloved. I thought, if I were to let those fears face those truths, my entire life would end. But I have found my theory to be far off. In fact, the meeting of my truths and my fears has lead to the ultimate realization that I am alone in the world, never alone in Spirit, but in the world. Years ago, I would have wanted to kill myself at the realization that I have no one. No friends. No one to understand me. Validate me. No man to share time and space with me. I would have run from the voices that say, this is how it will always be. I would've tried to mute them by drowning myself. But today, though those notions do not bring me an idyllic bliss, they also do not cause me to plummet into a great darkness. Maybe I am numb. Maybe. Or maybe I have learned the art of controlling my peace, making it still itself so that it will outlast my cold nights. Conjuring the joy of Spirit, a joy that kindles the Light that beams through me, whether I, myself, can see it or not. Maybe. Maybe I know this is the exact isolation that I need. An excruciatingly spotless cell, with nothing but books, lined paper, and finger paint. A chamber of the mind, created by Spirit, yielding the clarity needed to create. Silence. No music. No conversations outside of my head. No phone. No company. Nothing but whispers of the sun, moon, leaves, and birds.
The clouds continue to glide into the distance, as I write this, reminding me that nothing stays. All is temporary. All is ever changing. All will reveal itself to have come to pass in my favor. Everything is revolving around the greater good of our individual purposes of being on this earth. I do not have to play the role of God. In my quiet place, I'm am victorious. My soul is at peace, knowing that nothing can kill it, all weapons formed against me are ceased and magically transformed into gold.
I am not afraid of the quiet. I am grateful for it. Embracing change. Not resisting. Embracing change. God is change. Though this level of solitude is familiar, the strength that allows me to embrace it is refreshing and new. I guess what I am saying is, I am ready for this.
All Summer 16.