Considering the White


Solange been on my spinner. J. Cole on my Spotify. Between the two of them, I am hearing myself. 

I was getting dressed and my pink tea roses fell off of the cart. The water washed the dust off of my floor, the roses laid flat together, but  even after bouncing from the bottom up, the mason jar didnt break at all. Not even a nick. That's a strong vessel if I've ever seen one... 

I need to get a few groceries. I have a budget of $35 a week for leisure and such. It's funny what being pushed into a financial wall will force you to do. This is a budget that I should keep myself on, even after my personal recession comes to an end. 

I found $4.25 in quarters, nickels, and dimes in my old camel Coach. I thought of all the things I could buy: a Saucelito and provolone from the corner store, a pint of Martinelli's, or a couple of used books from the Goodwill... I went with something that will leave me with nothing to show for my money: a medium chai latte from Buunni coffee on Pinehurst (my favorite coffee shop in NYC). I just took my first sip and it's beyond worth it. 

Count it all joy. 

James Blake's Retrograde just came on.. I'm in latte bliss. 

I'm usually the only person of color in this shop, save for the owner; he's Ethiopian. The complexion of sandalwood. Older but not yet an elder man. Never says more than hello to me but I can always feel his smile on me as I read. I love to read here for hours at a time. 

Just started "Pushout" by Monique W. Morris although it's been on my shelf for a couple of weeks. Hopefully, it will inspire my essay writing again. I miss my essays but I've been soothing myself with a lot of personal journal writing. This is why I appreciate writing for writing sake and not for a dollar. It gives me the freedom to type as I please. 

Watched a documentary about Lorraine Hansberry today. I didn't know she married a white man. It reminded me of Issa Rae's, "Awkward Black Girl" series, and the movie "Dear White People" . Totally defies the notion that in order to be pro-black, you have to be in a relationship with a black man. I've never dated outside of my race, never seriously considered it... But maybe I will one day. One of my elders, who is actually a former civil rights activist, told me that it may be my only option in finding a "suitable" companion because all of "our men are gay or in jail... And in your heart, you think you can't do it.. You think it's impossible to love a white man but it's something you should consider. Long as he is conscious and has some flava'! Just make sure he treats you like you ought to be treated. Don't try to change him and don't let him change you. Just love the man and let the white man love you."

Maybe I will. Either way, I won't let the fight for my people be a reason not to love who ever I want... 

The cutest little old Jewish lady just struck up a conversation with me about my braids. 

"When I was your age," she held her coupons in one hand and her magnifying glass in the other, "I had blond hair. Now, it's gone white. When you're my age, your hair will turn silver because now it is black. Black. Black. So beautiful and black." 




Comments

  1. Thank you for writing your blog.
    Your essays are a joy to read, even when the subject is not joyful.

    ReplyDelete

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