Analyzing the Highs
On what I wrote last night about being addicted to self-care:
I think it's quite possible to abuse and overuse the act of self-care, so much that it does more harm than helping. Though self-care must be implemented in our daily lives, just like drinking water, we still have to remain attentive to how much is too much.
I believe we can do this by first, identifying and listing the parts of us that need to be nurtured most, and as we culminate the period of refining one aspect, we then can choose the next part of ourselves that needs some extra tender love and care. This way, it's not an addiction, it's a healthy cycle.
After months of free formed acts of self-care, up until yesterday, I still felt like blahhhh. I was diligent in my efforts to pull myself out of my funk but secretly frustrated because I didn't feel like anything was working! It was not until I identified the parts of me that dragged me down from my natural highs... then, I was like, okay - cool... I accept feeling wack and not knowing who the hell I am right now... It was hard to say that, especially knowing how powerful my affirmations are but once I finally said what was making me feel like sh't, I felt - simply put - much better.
My sense of direction is healed.
My creativity is healed.
My purpose is healed.
What happened to me in November destroyed those aspect of me - it did not destroy ME - but my direction, creativity, and purpose were tools that I depended on. They were my sanity crutches. With them, I felt worthy of life, no matter how dark my depression may have become at any given moment: I had purpose, so I had peace. But without a clear sense of my purpose, I felt like I was nothing. I was unmotivated and self-defeated.
But I have the power to write prescriptions for myself, like I did yesterday. (Yesterday, I woke up and humbly prayed for my creativity to be reactivated, for my direction to be clear, and for my purpose to be renewed. Every move I made yesterday - from cleaning to siting in the book store - revealed new ideas and answers to my questions... So my prescription is to take every morning to be specific in my meditations and prayers about what I want or need.) I felt a total shift in my sprit this morning. Going forward, I will continue to self-operate on the heart of the matter.
I couldn't seek anyone else for this intricate surgery. Outsiders can numb our voids but only we have the anecdote to cure our inner issues.
This is why it is important to be patient when we are meditating. These last few months, I only completed Baldwin's "Go Tell it On the Mountain" and started "Pushout" and "Salvage the Bones" but still haven't finished them. I could barely read without daydreaming. And I felt like my writing was lackluster. There was no energy for mental toiling. Really, all I could do was remain still. It took this long to realize, I had to be stagnant - I had no other choice because it was my season and time to be still and reflect.
Now, I feel like I am ready to move again because I know exactly where I am going: like the true insane that I am, where I am going is back to the battle... But this time I won't be fighting the same way - I have a refined sense of purpose, thanks to my solitude... My voice is coming from a renewed peace, but if I come to a place of uncertainty again, I will stop and check in with myself, then, use my prescription to heal myself.
It's 11:43, an hour and two minutes have passed and I am feeling good about the fact that I haven't moved from my bed since opening my eyes. I've taken this morning to recall exactly what I did to feel better and in writing this, I feel better-better! I think I'll add this to my prescription: analyzing the highs, not just the lows. The more attention I give the highs, the more highs I'll have to give attention to.