I was sitting on the steps that lead to my bedroom, overthinking. Taylor walks from where he was napping in the foyer to the bottom step and looks up at me like, "What's wrong, Mom?" I tell him I'm just trying to put it all together in my head. He crawls right into my lap, licks my hands, and balls himself right to sleep. Guess he's telling me how to handle my thoughts right now.. Just go to sleep.
But I purposely put all of the towels and bedding in the washing machine so that they could be washing while I stayed up to finish working on my plans for tomorrow. Sad thing is, I'm staying up extra late just to keep trying to do something I have found impossible to do over the last two weeks. I have "heart block" as Alex calls it. I keep finding every excuse not to put the plans in my head on paper. Nothing feels good enough. Am I doubting myself or just uninspired? Thankfully, G and G will be at the school at 6:30AM tomorrow. I'll be able to use their creative minds to sharpen my own. The only way to get through this block is to go through this block.
As I was riding down Greenmount with Maya earlier, I tried to write my thoughts. Instead of writing, I closed my eyes and practiced breathing. I haven't been able to use the coping method of breathing without without forcing meticulous intention to the task in over two months. My students are my oxygen. Being cut off from them for so long was killing me. Now that the moment is so close, I'm ... I don't know what I am.
I am not sure of myself right now but I do know that I really want to teach. I want to love teaching and learning and growing and giving and reading and writing and singing, yes, singing with my students - my babies - my children - my little brothers and sisters... I want to love my craft again and really and truly just breathe without reminding myself to just breathe.
What will tomorrow bring? Love. I don't expect it - I am going to create it. A culture of love. I won't try to control it. Just give it. To everyone in my presence.
My time off has come to an end. My relationships are mended with everyone I love, from Shelly and Meekz, to Tay and KT, to God and Me. I have a new found appreciation for stillness. And I am just appreciative of the ability to make a choice for myself. Nothing was forced. I want to be here. I am here. And that's all I have to be is here. Enjoying the present moment, embracing the here and now.
While I was in Giant, in the fruit aisle picking out grapes, I heard a young, sepia skinned woman say, "Valencia?" I looked up to see two former Blossom mentors from Morgan. "We didn't think that was you because we know you live in New York." They were so confused as to why I was standing there in front of them.
"I'm back. Moved back yesterday." I hugged them and asked them how school was going. They were both telling me about how they were getting ready to graduate. I was pleased.
"But why are you back down here in the middle of the school year? It's the middle of the school year...." Still confused as to what I was doing back out here in Baltimore.
"You'll find out, soon enough." I walked away with my red, seedless grapes, sinisterly smiling at my own little cliffhanger.