Numbers and Windows
The other day, someone asked me how many books I have sold... I said, "I don't know. I don't look at the numbers. I see the money in my account, I pay my bills." To be honest, I don't look at numbers. I don't look at my "likes" on social media. I don't read comments on my posts at all, whether positive or negative. I just create. I create from my heart. The numbers symbolize the opinions of viewers. The numbers have nothing to do with my craft. Once I post something, I don't even open the post back up. I don't look at it again, unless I decide to delete it. But this morning, I received an invoice from my publishing company and instead of ignoring it like I usually do, I read it. It said that I sold 250 books on Amazon in the month of February and then, one of the independent book stores my book is in in NYC sent me an invoice for the books they have sold out of and requested more. This is great. But even if I only sold 11 on Amazon, like I did in January, I would be grateful. Why? Because I am living in my purpose. Following my passion. And no money or sales can bring me as much joy as actually creating and sharing can. Last night, I had a mental break down. The voices in my head were fighting each other and it drew me to turn off my phone and cry. I went to sleep to avoid doing any harm to myself and I didn't want to reach out to anyone because I didn't want to scare them with my thoughts. Severe depression is scary and unpredictable but I know that my mood disorder comes and goes. It doesn't stay, so sleeping it off was what I chose to do. I had a dream that I jumped out of the window and landed on my feet. That was a message.