Balanced is the New Black

When I was 16, I was in a group called YEP (Youth Empowerment Program) ... Honestly, I joined because everyone else in my hood was in it and it kept me out of the house. We went on trips to the Apollo, we talked about civil rights, we learned about our culture and our roots, but most importantly, we memorized and recited the serenity prayer at the end of each meeting. 

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

I have never forgotten it but I have also never, consciously, used it since then. 

Today, I celebrated my first month ever, of being balanced. In the last 30 days, I haven't experienced any mood swings. No lows, no highs. Just balanced. At peace. 

The words of the serenity prayer came to me as I reflected on the main reason why I am in this blissful state. I meditated with intention every morning and night, I allowed negative energy to leave from my space, I reminded myself with gratitude lists and affirmations about the fact that I have more to be proud of than to be dismayed about ... All of those this transpired over the last month but the number one action I took was to ACCEPT the things I cannot change. Acceptance is truly the key to serenity. 

Being balanced is a very different feeling. I have to remind myself not to feel guilty for feeling good. I had to talk to my therapist about how empty I feel without any drama. She told me to get used to this, "People who are balanced adopt different life habits than those that are not..." My journey to maintaining my balance is very, very different than my journey to healing my 30 year old wounds. I am aware of my energy now, it's just --- chill, really, that's the only word I can think of. I'm chillin. 

Now, I can put more effort into organizing against the oppression of people of color with a lighter weight than I was dragging before. I can't be much good to the revolution if I am still hurting inside. It's just not possible to be a victorious warrior if you are fighting while wounded. 

I've only been diagnosed with severe depression for two years now. I'm not too sure if I will find myself in a low again but thinking about future lows is not my focus. I am presently here. Balanced in the now. And I'm going to keep my balance in vogue for as long as I can.