My gran is explaining the story of how she found out my mother was on crack. How she thought my mother was just sick and she called the ambulance. They took her to the hospital and one of the nurses said, "Lord! I'm so tired of chasing these crackheads!" And my grandmother asked, "What is a crackhead?" I asked my gran how she felt when the nurse said that about her daughter, her first born child, and she said, "I didn't feel nothing. I didn't know nothing about crack. Had never heard of it. But I ain't have no time to feel. Social services was ready to take y'all and I said, 'No, I'll keep the kids.' I was in and out of court. It was hell. My life was hell." She said this was the fall of 1986.
Anyways my mom called over here today and she didn't ask about me or my siblings. I ain't seen her in 3 years. And I didn't want to see her today so I'm glad I didn't have to be phony. I don't hate her. I just don't really like to be around her. And she clearly feels the same about me but that's an assumption, so I take that back. I really don't know why she stays away from me. Guilt? Fear? Selfish? Anxiety? I don't know but I don't mind it is what I'm trying to say. No, I don't want to see my mother but I still see the Light in her. I mean, really, where else did I get my Light from? I know she is still magic underneath all the drugs. Trust me.
But do you know how badly I want to write an autobiography of what I experienced during my childhood? But I won't because I am not even close to finished with my work. My current students need all of my attention and energy, everyday. These posts relieve the urge to write a true book right now, to be honest. And for that, too, I am grateful. I share what's inside of me tonight for my tribe of children who were neglected.
Know: Children who were neglected grow into creative servant-leaders of the world. We don't see failure or live in our fears because we innately fight for validation and love for our crafts, until we get bored with that and realize: we really don't have to fight for anything, at all. That's where I am now: Learning.