Via IG 8.16.18: Pain is One of the Hardest Addictions to Break

Even your favs feel wack about their craft at times. Lately I’ve been feeling wack af. But idc. Imma keep creating and writing until I am satisfied. I know it’s because I’m in a new place in the grieving process: acceptance. With acceptance comes a peace and contentment I am not used to at all. 

My answer to everything lately has been: it’s all love, all is well. And I actually believe it! 

I looked at this picture of my parents this morning. I didn’t have a mom and dad, I was raised by two southern bred sisters, who made their way from NC to NYC. My gran and my great aunt, whom I call “ma” and “otha’ mama” taught me how to talk sh’t and “neva’ let nobody get ova’” on me and the other taught me how to read, write, and pray. Family Matters and the Cosby Show had me growing up thinking we were dysfunctional. I wanted more than what I was given and was not understanding of the fact that I had everything I needed and we were good the way we were. 

Mental health needed to be addressed, sure, but the fact that it wasn’t is the reason I go so hard for my sanity right now. I am a special educator because we went through the system. I study the brain because my sister was born addicted to crack. I ain’t mad about it anymore. I have to thank my mama for that. This isn’t my healing alone, it’s ours. Our family, our community. I get it, now, and its hard to create with this new understanding. It’s easier to tell stories rooted in dark despair but I won’t because I know my purpose is to show the light through my narrative. 

This summer, especially after most of my iPhone notes from the last 7 years mysteriously vanished, I have gone in and out of feeling like I lost my voice — bcz I have. Now I have an emptiness that aches to be filled but I won’t put grief back in there.

I lost everything I do not need. 

Pain is one of the hardest addictions to break. It’s a habit that calls you in your sleep. It tells you that you need it. 

To hold on to it. 

To drink it slow. 

Cherish it. 

Save it. 

Hoard it. 

Protect it. 

It takes work to tell pain, no. 

And it literally feels weird to let it go but 

true joy is a feeling I don’t mind getting used to!