Back to School. Back to Therapy
I haven’t been to therapy in weeks, for the first time in almost 4 years. I felt like I was becoming too dependent on her validation of my ideas and choices... that feeling was beginning to flood my friendships... I was not listening to my inner voice, anymore... I sought answers from everyone else. I’m not saying this is therapy’s fault, I am saying, even when you seek help, dont forget the power of your true self... I’ll be back in therapy next week, though. I am ready to be heard without needing acknowledgement. I know that I am loved and valued, no longer neglected and ignored.
Being away from work this summer slowed me down enough to realize I am fully healed... but during the school year, it is imperative that I attend my weekly sessions, not only for my sanity but for the emotional safety of my classroom. My self care allows me to love my students, even on days when I don’t have energy to love. Sometimes their actions trigger memories of my childhood-trauma. I used to lash out, engage in power struggles. Now, I model self-control. I close my eyes and breathe. And when it’s too much for a deep exhale to cure, I fallback on a good cry — right in front them. Riding the fine line between being vulnerable and crossing boundaries. I show them who I am. And through my conversations in therapy, I figure out what it was that made me feel so bad— so unappreciated — so unloved by them. I learn, it is, in fact, never them. I self-reflect long enough to realize that it’s deeply rooted within me. Facing myself forces those roots to be pulled and decimated, allowing new seeds to flourish. The harmonious balance between therapy and meditating allows me to till the soil of my mind.