As long as we desire we will suffer. —Bhudda 

The smoke from the sage tickles my dreams and reminds me that I am awake. Alive. Doors are open, even if cracked slightly enough for me to push them the rest of the way. 

I was off. Asking myself what is wrong and why I feel like I am lost. I was...lost without my purpose. E v e r y thing made me question its meaning, and until I spoke about this mental battle outloud, as we rode through the mouth of the Amazon river, I had no peace. No hold of my why. But then, when I realized, not being able identify my why was why I felt like an aimless ship, I was anchored. I found myself—even though I had not yet found my new why. Just knowing what I was looking for, knowing I would eventually find the clarity of it, was enough. It’s okay to not know your why right now, it means you are redefining your purpose, your purpose is always going to evolve as you grow. True. Except that’s not actually where I was or am. Only took one day after coming home for me to read a passage, in one of my theoretical books, that led me to jump off the ladder that I was climbing to get to the clouds because I was no longer climbing...I was going no where because I am already here. Here and finally free of purpose. My work is not done but aspiring to be more, it’s over for that. I am enough. Everything we do, we are taught has to be for a grand reason but now, I am released from all reasons. Everything I am doing, from now on, I am doing for nothing. No cause. No reaping. 

A heart of no desires. I want not. 

Being up is not a destination it is a state of mind. If you are always up in the mind, you are always up, always. It works all ways. The power of imagination is greater than the power of perspective. That is how we can create from our visions and not our reality. 

Teaching is no longer for the betterment of society and the children, it is because it is what I am doing, just because it is what I want to do. Nothing needs to come of it but even with me releasing the desired outcomes, I know something bigger than what I initially expected will form and expand and then fleet, again. So why have a why when one can just have a be. Just be. Just do. Just because. 

No reason to have a projected outcome, that actually limits the potential. Want nothing, you may just gain everything. Or not. Whatever is whatever. And trust it’s perfect for you, either way. 

Winter sabbatical starts today and ends when I say so. Time is an illusion but days are easier to understand for humans so we use them to guide us, routinely, religiously. Goals, too. I have no other goals but to feel free and move in a space where I see every outcome as love. Even the worst: I will smile and know the meaning of it is to travel toward the deepest black holes of love. Super abstract but tangible. 

No reason to ask for anything more. No reason to even ask because it’s already here. Mine. Yours. 

I came home today with the silence I stole from top of the mountains. I took it out of my pocket, held it in my hands and painted nine petals of a yellow flower. And grey  water because it doesn’t have to be blue for life to flourish.  

I guess this just means I don’t need to say anything else anymore but I still will when I want to. I will speak when I am inclined but for now, I am enjoying this thought process of finding and burying and flying and landing and nesting and closing my eyes to see the only real part of me that matters: what is inside. 


  1. Your vulnerability is like fresh air and permission. Please keep inspiring, Ms. Clay.


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