10:39PM Good Now

“To live fully alive is to feel every part of your experience.” —Dah

Last week, I was showing a prevalent sign of depression: ruminating. Triggered at work but I saved my meltdowns for when I got home. It sounds like I had it controlled but not at all! I kept replaying the hurtful situation over and over in my head. The more I thought about it, the more I screamed and cried. I lost sleep and when I did, I had awful visions in my dreams. Visions that made me not even want to sleep. I somehow managed to still go to work during the day but came home and continued to feel worse and worse. 

But I’m good now.  

How? Well, it’s not as simple as the following list may seem but after the first 6 days of depressing darkness, I did these things to finally find my light. 

1. I confronted those that hurt me via a letter — even though I didn’t give it to them at first, it helped to get things off my chest.  
2. I confronted those that hurt me (this was actually not planned) came to me and it was frightening but I got through it, even with tears and anger. I couldn’t avoid the issues, energy too strong. By the end of the discussion, I was still standing. And I said most of what I needed to say. I still felt slightly depressed after but not as bad as before the talk. I that is because I was able to let it all out on exactly who needed to hear it. 
3. I realized how wack the statement of “don’t let it get to you” is... It had already gotten to me, so instead I began to say to myself, “don’t let it be in vain.” I repeated this affirmation for 24 hours before I began to gain clarity on next steps to ensuring my pain was not in vain. I began to realize it was not about me, it’s beyond me. I also stopped saying, “this too shall pass” and began saying, “this too shall grow.” I don’t need my problems to go away, I need them to grow and flourish into their full purpose because I understand: pain is not meant to hurt us, it’s meant to teach us. 

So all that dwelling, as much I wanting to make it stop in the moment, proved to serve me and will allow me to continue serving others... just had to analyze my mind before I could get here. I had to feel it all before I could reflect on it all. 

Glad I didn’t run from the pain. 

Proud of my self, too.