The Art of Growing in Purposeful Silence

Being a Hot Girl   is about being  unapologetically YOU,  having fun,  being confident, living in YOUR truth , being the life of the party etc... —Megan the Stallion   One of my favorite new rappers is  Megan the Stallion . Not  just because she spits better than most but because she is a  scholar , just like me.  As much as I love her music,  I love her visible commitment to self-education and women empowerment. When she called on us to join the  “Hot Girl Summer”  wave, she gave us permission to be “unapologetically” free AF. For me, this summer has been all traveling, all reading, all day, everyday. I’ve had to complete so much reading for my doctorate and grant-writing for the non-profits I work with. Its been a task in itself to truly be free because in addition to reading and writing, Ive been putting in summer hours at various professional development sessions around the world—but I have a responsibility to admit that this is probably harder than it needs to be for me because I 

Took my weave out. Feeling mad proud of my little puff. My edges in the back are not long enough to reach the rest so we braided and pinned it up.  The patience you have to have to go natural, with no heat is as much patience as you have to have when you are waiting for your skin to clear up. Our bodies need time to breathe.  My mind is what I am focused on growing, now. Everyone keeps telling me how much I love reading but I don’t think they know how much of a procrastinator I am. And it’s not because I am lazy, it’s very emotional for me. Really, I just get scared that I’ll fail. 

First day of school!!! Been smiling all day !! grateful to make it into my program. Lots of folks didn’t finish the rigorous summer assignments and have to start the program next year but I’m here. I AM HEREEEE!! Stayed up til 3AM the night before the due date! Pushed through a summer of service and got my ass in! Smiling and proud of this sh’t, y’all. Im going to keep elevating the urgency around literacy and the anxiety that comes with being an independent learner.  This may be my biggest achievement and it’s starting to hit me how privileged I am to be here.  I am here representing my tribe first: my family and closest friends, the very special group of STRONG women of color who inspired me to be an intellectual: too many to name. Y’all, my sisters, were the ones who allowed me to flourish as a creative. Y’all affirmed me and loved me, unconditionally. Thank you for being in my life. Thank you for being on this journey with me.  I hear that this process is going to damn near kill m

Sometimes I have low self-esteem and self-doubt. I get anxiety. I give up. I procrastinate. I cry. I lose sleep. I have melt downs.  And then, I get all my work done, overcoming all of my fears...proving time and time again that I can do this. I can do anything.  Right now, I am on the journey to getting my doctorate. Which means more than just 3 letters: It’s learning how to think on a higher conscious level. I am learning how to ask questions. How to see and listen critically, so I can write like a scientist. I am learning how to read like a historian who allows literature to debate. I am learning greater methods of supporting my students and my peers. I am strengthening my organizational strategies. I’m no longer terrified of this journey. I have no reason to be afraid. My focus is on the forest beyond the trees. Even if I find myself afraid, I can come back to these words and remember that I am learning. No one expects me to know everything. 

Hell is sitting in a week long professional development session on equity that was not explicitly teaching teachers how to develop equitable reading and writing strategies. I realized my purpose in being here was to ask conscious questions that helped the other participants broaden the learning experience for themselves and make it more meaningful for their population of students. Questions like,  "How would you use this strategy with students who are unmotivated to read?"     So many teachers thanked me for my questions and said that I pushed their thinking. One even said my questions addressed the elephant in the room.  That makes me feel purposeful but it sucks because I did not come here for that, I came here to learn. I was afraid to tell my principal how I felt but when I finally called her, she reminded me that she did not send me here because she believed this organization had the answers on how to support Baltimore middle schoolers with getting motivated to learn, in