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Showing posts from 2020

1:36

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.....in my experience— my “yelling” and preaching worked for students who appeared unmotivated to learn. It was not the only thing I showed on my page but it was a reoccurring theme I noticed in my collection of videos from the last few years. I hate it because it works in the classroom but once they leave it’s a wrap. I am not talking about my entire population of students, I am specificically speaking of the population of students with socially constructed (dis)abilities. Also thinking about my students who don’t do anything educational outside of school/my classroom. They do seem to “get it together” when I give those speeches but it quickly fleets and then they go back to not showing their ability to be independent thinkers, creatives, and future entrepreneurs. Witnessing this is one of the reasons I am not speaking as an expert for teaching students, at this time. Research shows, if they need me to yell at them now, they’ll still need that later on in life, but what if they don’t…

4:24

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I’m in a great space since learning I passed all of my classes with at least a B. I bloomed through the adversity of year one. Grateful. 
Treating myself to guilt free learning.  Just became one of @rachelcargle students, her model is an instructional design backed by theory to be highly effective for independent learners. I read about it in my tech course, earlier this week. I’ll be summer reading her curated lessons! 
Join me!
https://patreon.com/thegreatunlearn

12:05

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7:21

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but I can’t be quiet when it comes to her


Breonna Taylor  she was a Gemini, like me. she loved extra baby hairs out, like me. she went for the natural-glam set of lashes, like me. she had a tattoo of words on her shoulder, like me. she had a nose ring, like me. she wore big hoops, like me. she was a public servant, like me. she is a queen, like me. but her killers are still alive, free, and untouched. only 1 of them has been fired, as of yesterday, 102 days after he took part in murdering her. Breonna’s mom, Tamika Palmer, led our favs to make a poignant video to build our awareness, Beyonce wrote a public letter demanding justice, everybody I know protested and yet, her killers are still free. I know they hear us. We should not have to do this much for what’s right! I wake up every morning to check for news of justice for her only to find that what has been demanded has still not been done. I wish I could march in Kentucky with everyone, tomorrow, but instead of wishing, Im asking, wha…

4:04

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7:32

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My respect for my mother was lacking. I never truly had empathy or compassion.

11:17

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When your actual bday is Juneteenth and you keep getting invited to all the cookouts—just remember, I’m plant-based 🌿🌿

10:38

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Ever ask a passionate teacher why they teach? As a survivor of narcissistic abuse and neglect, I go so hard for our kids because I know what its like to have a really f-ed up childhood experience. As an adult, I still go through a lot behind closed doors that no one would ever know about because I dont want to perpetuate pain. We have more than enough of that online as it is because pain sells, especially black pain. (One of the reasons I stopped posting was because I realized, I was one of the people showing pain by posting glimpses of my students’ hurt but I did not even recognize it as a pertuating black pain until I began curating the kids’ documentary and critically analyzing the themes within the footage but that’s not the point of this post so let me close this by telling you to read this book.) I found this book on Amazon, finished it in one day. Extremely helpful and research-based. This is exactly why I am becoming a doctor. I want to write books like this to heal my people.…

6:37

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11:01

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I am feeling depressed Read something I wrote about my mom from 3 years ago and it really made me sad 
I miss her  I’ve never really known the feeling of missing her  Only knew the feeling of wanting her but not sure what it feels like to miss someone I never ...never mind.

10:52

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11:27

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Grateful. Loved.

8:53

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I’ve began journaling questions and I am statements. It’s helpful.

7:16

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Sometimes, I feel like I’m too old for this type of thing but other times I feel like silence is the solution. I need to be able to hear my thoughts. I’m still learning why my personal boundaries call for extreme walls such as blocking — but other times I’m like, what else was this feature created for, if not to use it to get some air from the sea of feeling emotionally drained? 
I know this is a deeply rooted issue.  I am still learning where it comes from ...

3:36

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9:35

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1. What are you going to miss most about not going back to school?
I used to think teaching children was my sanity. This has changed. Teaching middle school English, right now, is my full time job but I no longer consider it my life long career because I realized, being a researcher/writer/film maker is all I really want to do. I do not want to write daily lessons, grade papers, and manage behaviors. I want to give myself time to explore and learn other forms of teaching that will fill my soul as I pour into others. I want to develop and teach different kinds of lessons for a different set of skills, skills that I am still learning. Honestly, I will not miss anything about not going back to school, right now. I am happy to have good health and an opportunity to explore who I am without the foundation of a classroom as my identity. 
I thought I would miss the kids but I really don’t miss them because I still feel connected to them, daily. I feel connected to staff, actually closer to som…

3:05

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12:34

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Above me while I was working She protects  I never saw her like this but I honor

11:14

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7:50

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7:46

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I told my therapist I think I have ADHD, after the first 3 months of making time-lapses and still not being able to concentrate. I couldn’t understand how my own mind would keep me from accomplishing my goals. How can I say, “reading is my activism” if I am not even getting through the literature? She taught me that anxiety and ADHD can share symptoms. The inability to stop maladaptive daydreaming and complete tasks was not due to ADHD but due anxiety and grieving loss... I also learned, filming myself is not enough. Started a prayer technique that allows me to visualize my outcomes, yoga-daily, and eating healthy, as well. No coffee, no Lays, no sugar, no dairy, no gluten, no meat. Lots of water, too. And social media only 30 minutes a day. Healthy brain vibes.
Why I took it down? The post was too loud. I need to be more thoughtful when posting about mental health. A comment that bothered me is below:


My response:





5:49

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7:50

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1:10

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I dream of conducting international research like this with my friends and peers and students ... and I want to add art and film to the academic writing.

12:34

One of my students has been locked up for weeks and I am angry about it. 
Working in this city means you experience the secondary and trauma of kids being victims of violence or the prison system. 
I can see the jail from my balcony  I remember walking him to the prison when he was 13 It’s 12 minutes walking distance from our school   Having him read about the fact that 32M was invested in that youth prison  And we didn’t have any books  I had to beg my Instagram supporters for books that year 
Then, I took him to New York  Front row at Pyer Moss 
Now he’s behind bars  Being tried as an adult at the age of 15 
Ain’t nothing poetic about this 

11:12

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I used to be brainwashed about my mother and I am still figuring out which thoughts about her are mine and which I was taught without thinking for myself . . .

1:11

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One of my favs...
Writing a final paper... enjoying it, for the first time since starting this program. Grateful. 

10:59

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It's not always easy, sometimes you'll say the wrong things and you'll want to go back into your shell. Just remember, your safe place is a base but it's not the end goal. (Trying to give a sports reference lol) 
Don’t worry about being too much  You are  But don’t worry about it 
It’s all good.

10:14

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my students posted, called, and texts today were so timely and special to me...here’s one that I will always cherish: 
Hi Ms. Clay. I hope your day was good. I know you may have had some mixed swirling around since this the first Mother’s Day since your mom passed. I hope you were able to reflect today and find some peace inside yourself, while also letting out any emotions that you had pent up. Ik it can be challenging for a strong woman like yourself to allow yourself to truly feel, but from my experience losing a parent I’ve learned that it’s better to not run from the pain but acknowledge and learn how to continue to move forward with it. I also would like to say thank you for all that you’ve done as a maternal figure in my life. You met me at a really vulnerable and traumatizing point in my life and I can firmly say that your love and compassion really helped me through that time. Like I don’t think I’ve ever really told you what you did for me but it was a lot. I never would’ve be…

9:31

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12:08

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10:28

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I think I am starting to come back to myself as a director of my art. Grateful that the semester is finally giving me the clarity I need. I am starting to understand what I am a learning. This is a feeling that builds my confidence. 
Yoga helps.

11:59PM

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Finally submitted my annotated bib! 
Submitted my RM1 last night, got the grade today, a solid 80 but it’s more about the feedback for me than the grade. Feedback says I’m getting closer but still need to work on narrowing my focus. This is such a process.
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Grateful
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....Few days after this post, I got my annotated bibliography grade. I earned a really high grade and strong feedback that shows me, I really can be a researcher. Yes, I needed the validation of my teacher because this was all very new for me. I am not far from the place where I can fully self-assess but I am getting there and I am not rushing. That was the hardest assignment ever. So glad I was able to show myself what I can do. There’s no more doubt about my brains. Any feelings of fear that arise as I continue my journey, I will grant them time to come and go. They will not be allowed to stay in my vision. 
I am learning more about the way my thoughts function. I know I can get beyond fear, even if depression and anx…

1:22

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My students at 8AM 
Me at 1:24PM
My responses to questions we were asked during the virtual meeting, today. 
I didn’t care how much better I could’ve made them, I knew I had better evidence for those domains but I did not give myself enough time to develop the artifacts. I didn’t care at that point. In my heart, I knew, I’ve done the work. If I have to resubmit next year, I will be better about setting time aside to develop the artifacts. I was never was able to stick to the time I set aside time to work on those two domains because every time I was scheduled to, I was still working on a doctoral assignment. Those papers got the best and the worst of me this year! But through it all, I still submitted SOMETHING! And for that, I am proud to say, I didn’t care how those artifacts looked, as long as I got it in! I know I did the work. I will keep working toward developing efficient ways of capturing my work for the portfolio. 
Last year I was depressed because I felt like I didn’t have the w…