I was supposed to speak at the Peabody last night for Morrison’s bday but I canceled. I don’t want to speak, right now, about anything, in public. Only did Kon’s talk because it was for him and he’s family. Just canceled my talk at SXSW... did not want to cut my time in India short just to sit on stage and talk—felt like a great honor, an accomplishment even—but I don’t care about any other accomplishments than the ones I am working on as a teacher, kind of like Carissa and motherhood. SXSW is a dream but it’s just not the right timing, my present self just does not want to be seen or heard, right now. Right now, I’m still learning how to celebrate the fact that I am here. My confidence needs to be rebuilt. I’ve also been feeling really ungrateful. Hating my life. Like why? Then I look for love and realize, I don’t hate my life, just hate the “work.” I don’t enjoy doing this work. I don’t like “teaching,” anymore. Standards and curriculum bore the hell out of me. No shade. I get the point of having them but I’m just too free spirited to teach like this. In reflection, this is why I did not earn my National Board certification—that video was a “motivational” lesson (insert theory), not a CCSS standards based or National Board Standards based lesson (insert theory). There’s a difference.
There is nothing wrong with heart lessons—in fact, the National Board Standards are grounded in heart and equity but my lesson was missing the academic standards that tie back to the purpose of learning. Their rubric scores for standards alignment. Becoming an effective public school teacher requires me to be way more intentional about how I teach to those standards. I have to differentiate and pre-plan and reflect. It’s harder than ever. More thinking, more grading, more conferencing, etc. but what makes it even harder is the fact that I am taking two EdD classes and teaching two times a night at the college. It’s too much. I feel like I need one day off per job. I need to teach with a schedule that fits my ambitious goals. What does this schedule look like? This is what I will talk to my therapist about, today.
If I am to continue teaching, I want to teach based on a different set of standards. Standards that promote love and compassion, not just academics. That’s the work I believe we are doing with our curriculum writing sessions in Blossoms. I cannot wait until we begin developing plans with creatives, again. That is the type of teaching I enjoy and will figure out how to make my everyday—so that I will love my days.
Now, I am grateful for being able to reflect in this way, this morning. Feels really good. And I know that I have to be unconditionally grateful for where I am, so I am going to keep this joy I have just found in writing this, with me all day.