My biggest fear used to be failure.
Now I am fearless.
I see all as good for me as long as I am good to me in the process.
I wrote/posted that quote on 4.13.20 7:26PM
One year later:
Sometimes I get depressed reading writing from my archives and seeing no growth, however, finding this did not make me depressed at all because I know how long it took me to become fearless of failure and the fact that it has been a year since I wrote that and I actually still feel fearless, lets me know: no need to experience depression during this self-reflection, this is a celebration!
I am not afraid.
Failure really is just a word with negative stigma for those of us who were not taught to see failure as a fertilizer for sustainable growth.
This year, I began to finally understand the root of old and new fears and learned ways to release them back to where they came from, because none of it started with me.
I plan to bullet list this entire year, from the time I wrote that quote until this very moment, to show how I was able to let go of fear but first, I will spend much needed time writing about what I was afraid of: uncovering and detailing the seeds of fears that were deeply planted and grew within me, prior to the last year.
Untold stories have been dwelling for too long, not serving their true purpose, in my head. I have ruminated and researched long enough, but even if I do not know enough, I also do not need to think on things any harder or be considered an expert on subjects that I have experienced.
I give myself permission to be an artist, not a perfectionist or analytic analyst.
Though I feel whole today, I know, being deliberate and consistent with continuing to grow my inner-creative voice, daily, will keep the old fears from sprouting back up.
Last night, I tried writing and it was a "fail" but I watered other creative ideas that got me into flow. So maybe I will not write the way I want to, daily, yet... but I will honor the other art forms that I love (bird watching, painting, photography, film making, singing, and my new art: podcasting) because they truly are just as effective as writing. I also know, when it comes to my creative routines, I need to switch them up in order for me to feel their power. If I do the same thing for too long, its as if I grow numb to the impact. So, I am really cool with knowing, I need consistent spontaneity.
Next year, I will come back to this post and talk about growing away from fear and looking forward to failure as a sign that you are doing something right and that something, is simply trying. But let me keep fearlessly trying before I start preaching about it...